In the house I grew up in, money was something to be fought over. It wasn’t always given freely between the two of them, nor something that was seen as a necessity. Money was funneled to private school education for me but not to get me pediatric onset schizoaffective and OCD medication. I spent my childhood untreated, without knowing that medication could make me feel good. But anyway, I learned that money causes couples to fight, so it made me feel like it is better to not have money if it makes people uncomfortable. My money anxiety is such that I’d rather stay low income than make real money if it makes my family want to manipulate me out of it.
My mental health symptoms are gone. I feel less attacked by stigma in this neighborhood. At the very least, I’m no longer as paranoid about it as I was. I’m really trying hard to get a good night’s sleep. I’m lucky compared to other people with 22q, in that I probably sleep better or more than many of them. I feel bad I’m so stable while other people are not, but what the pandemic has taught me is that helping others could be a waste of energy right now. I’m not seeing that I need to help people to make myself the good person, just doing the bang-up job taking care of myself that I already do is better.
Yes, police brutality is a rough issue right now. I hate the fact that my black friends have to go through this because our president is creating an atmosphere of conflict. I’m staying away from people, in an effort not to get infected with COVID before hernia surgery. I wear a mask. I try to make sure I get enough sleep. What I’m losing sleep over though is George Floyd and the video. How dare a white guy pull this crap, whatever Floyd’s background may have been since the media can make things up on a whim. I want the fighting over race to stop, only because it is wearing me down. I’m trying not to let the virus situation get to me either.
Yes, you are either with me or against me, believing everything my family says or completely shaking off the community brainwashing they get away with. These days, you are either on the side of the Greater Good, or on the side of evil. I’m trying to use my psychic talent in an ethical manner, not in a way that causes destruction, although my family needs to be called out for unethical practices. Case in point, my family once decided to poke around with my medication dosages being an unknown quantity to them, they got in the face of a pharmacy technician, manipulated the crap out of them and got a medication dose of 75 mg. of Flexor from them. I need to track this guy down. I want to get the truth.
It depends on whether I make extra money using Upwork or not, but I will have a budget left over from saving what I have, realistically. I have to pay for 7 cups therapy, and that is useful to me right now as it is. That therapy costs $150 a month for unlimited messages to send to therapists but listeners are free. If I could make extra money from a freelancing project, then cool. I’m antsy enough as it is because of COVID-19 related unemployment figures. However, I have to quit worrying about others, since I have to put myself first. I have to start thinking only about me, since being selfless is not necessarily efficient.
I used to feel depressed, agitated, and manic all at the same time. I was very tired a lot. I was scared, wound up, out of control, while terrified also all at the same time. I used a lot of energy to process lactose and keep it together. I was untreated most of my childhood. I was scared of my own skin. I was scared of myself. I was down a lot, but forced to act up, and act like I was happy, since I knew nobody wanted to listen to a depressed person, back in the 1990s at least. Having a conversation was a huge effort, and the weird part was that my parents wouldn’t let me take medication at all, since that was an actual rule.
iriavp 