I Get Paranoid About My Disability

You would say that even after having palette surgery in 1989, I’m still paranoid about my voice because that surgery needed to be done when I was 3. I didn’t really start talking until I was 4. I’m often scared that I will not be understood when I talk. I rant and I get shrill but really, my medication helps. Don’t ask me to read words coherently out loud when I’m on my period, which I’m trying to keep repressed and that’s why it was a monotone. Oh and to the woman at Lucky who picked on the way I was walking and who made fun of me for walking with my toes up, and feeling stiff, I was constipated and I have major digestive problems sometimes, quit picking on my disability, you bitch.

Yes, I get paranoid about stuff I shouldn’t be paranoid about. Am I good looking? Am I normal enough for you? I have 22q, and I have health problems I’m always going to live with. I’m traumatized by C-PTSD from getting constantly picked on all through school due to my untreated mental health problems. Yes, my family didn’t treat me. That’s a fact. There is nothing I can do about that but there is plenty I can do to help people stuck in my situation. As in, there are ways of starting my nonprofit geared towards helping disabled people get away from abusive families. I want to buy a warehouse in San Jose to set up a shelter inside.

We would have computers or tables for laptops, similar to the Hacker Dojo, so that work from home people can have a safe place to work. I would have showers, and dormitories inside the shelter, some private. The last thing a disabled person needs is to be picked on for having a disability. We would record dealings with people who come to harass those using the shelter. I need to start getting this thing off the ground, and so I’m talking to somebody about it today but I need to be doing more canvassing than I am. This may mean going to people at existing mental health crisis clinics to talk to them. I also have to make at least one trip to Grace Community Center and Zephyr. I’m stuck in a paper doll rut in all areas of my life. I’m sweating daily trying to figure out how to get unstuck. I feel I have soul loss from getting picked on, this is also something I need to resolve.