The Way Things Used To Feel When I Was Untreated

I used to feel depressed, agitated, and manic all at the same time. I was very tired a lot. I was scared, wound up, out of control, while terrified also all at the same time. I used a lot of energy to process lactose and keep it together. I was untreated most of my childhood. I was scared of my own skin. I was scared of myself. I was down a lot, but forced to act up, and act like I was happy, since I knew nobody wanted to listen to a depressed person, back in the 1990s at least. Having a conversation was a huge effort, and the weird part was that my parents wouldn’t let me take medication at all, since that was an actual rule.