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How to Believe in Your Inner Strength

September 1, 2019

For some of us who have been severely mistreated, inner strength is at a premium. Some of us have had this profoundly destroyed. Not being on medication almost killed me a thousand times over in high school because my symptoms were continual. I’d do coffee to stay awake, and chamomile tea to put myself to sleep. There were nights I didn’t get to sleep much. I cannot survive without 8-11 hours sleep more or less, because of my 22q, my genetic disability. Sometimes, there are people who come around to try to break you.

You cannot let anybody break you. So many people tried to break me in high school by telling me how to properly destroy myself. I never once gave into any suicidal impulse. I was not allowed to take myself to the hospital either. Somehow I’ve avoided major medical emergencies. My knee injury was the most ER I’ve seen in like 28 years of type 1 diabetes, soon to be 29 years, since 1991. I had fractured my tibia and dislocated my whole kneecap in like a split second. I’m coming back from this injury though because my knee works better in the present.

I’m actually able to crouch again. I do martial arts until my health problems get worse or I injure myself. I learn but I do not have a belt at this time. Inner strength is cultivated through being on your own. Back in college, I’d sit with my energy, silently assessing what made me powerful. It was a very simple form of meditation. I was into nude witchcraft work because my room had a lock. I wish I had the energy to be cleaner, since I want to bend down but my knee is still making my rib cage hurt so I’m getting a rib X-ray on Friday.

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