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Why Mania Turns Me Mean

October 16, 2019

I try to be a nice person, but not too nice. Mania can turn me very mean but also if I’ve been picked on one too many times I respond with natural viciousness that means I’ve been pushed around, and I’ve had it. I’ve realized I’m simply a victim of a lot of abuse. I get pushed over the edge, and then I explode, while the abuser blames me for my response. Oh, there are only so many things I can take, since I have my limits like everybody else. Abusers love making it your fault. Although, I suppose my dad and I have forgiven each other, with my mother it is a different story.

I’m not a mean person by any sense of that word. I try to be kind whenever I can but I’m trying to learn how to give people what they deserve. If someone is good to you, you can give him or her your kindness while if someone is mean to you, you should be mean to him or her back. It is a very simple equation, do unto others as they do unto you, but that is hard for some of us to grasp.

Back when I had to dump a toxic friend, I realized she was pushing me around with her phone calls and “fake neediness.” I started to ignore her calls. I was like, wow, you are busy taking my life force from me, and so I am going to have to dump you because you are hell bent on spreading your negativity into my system. She managed to manipulate her boyfriend into marrying her. For me its like, hey, I’m willing to wait for a decent relationship. I’m going to stay put a single woman. I’m going to be single for a long time even if many of my high school friends are married, and I’m feeling developmentally behind.

My self-esteem is pretty bad right now anyway. So I’m in therapy twice a week to work on it. I’m working on it. I stayed in toxic relationships too long but now I know how to spot the toxic person. In 2016, I saw my new friend was toxic, so I dumped her. The bottom-line is that I know how to protect myself from toxic people. Happy people know how to do this. I guarantee my family doesn’t know how to do this but some of them aren’t like that.

From → Health, Psychology

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