School Addiction and Why I have to Be careful with my Courseload

I have to take one serious academic class when I can pay for school on my own, and an art class. Two classes a quarter are really all I can stand; with my chronic illness I will just have to take it easy. What bothers me is that I want to overload myself. Why? Because I feel terribly inadequate as a person, and some people just would love to remind me how retarded I might be thanks to my family and their lies. I would overload myself to feel loved. This is ridiculous. If I truly love myself, I wouldn’t overload myself with too much school.

Going to school and having real money means that I will get somewhere with my life again. But then again I feel like I have to prove so much to my family. WTF? I simply cannot overload myself, with anything, since I would have to go back to alcohol and caffeine addiction. I have to be wary of feeling exhausted. I managed to wake up at 3:00 a.m., sip warm leftover tea, and fall asleep again. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. I think I got 12 hours of sleep. In my childhood, I was severely sleep deprived. Any number of times I would have passed out from sheer exhaustion but somehow I kept it together.