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How Would Being Free of Mom Feeding on Me Be Like?

December 14, 2019

It’s the same way I’d ask what does it feel like not to have a hernia? That is something I don’t know but I can pinpoint parts of my life where it acted up without realizing it was the hernia. Anytime I’ve thrown up it is all about Mr. Hernia accept that time I caught remnants of stomach flu from some office in San Mateo. Being free of mom’s crap is an interesting proposition. I am what Cyndi Dale calls the Vampire Victim. I let her take my energy. I just let her because that is what I’ve been brainwashed to do.

From the age of 10 to 20 I spent my life in a state of perpetual exhaustion from not getting enough sleep and being a coffee junkie. Later on I dabbled in functional alcoholism during school. I am a Mule because I do mom’s emotional labor for her, in a codependent fashion. I’m a healer since because of my good heart; I’m busy thinking my energy can fix her. The alternative is that I withdraw my energy and she has to face up to her shit. She may well lose it but it is not my problem.

It is interesting that medication helps you see the wrong you do while manic. Mania causes mean behavior, as certain folks are addicted to picking fights with me. Newsflash: my boundary is don’t cause me stress. So I’m going to make money, and get the hell away from my family. It is time for me to move to Los Angeles anyhow where many an opportunity for writers exists. But then again there is earning my Film/Television Associate at De Anza. Holy hell was I unstable at Foothill College. We do well avoiding all addictions at present. Her not feeding on me would mean I’m not in pain and I’m calm all the time. I take her symptoms away. Like it does any good. So world has been given notice. I’m not doing her work for her anymore. I need to look out for myself.

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