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I Work Hard to Prevent Emergencies

December 9, 2020

With the initial onset of type 1 diabetes, I fell asleep at home, and then woke up in the hospital.  When I woke up in the hospital, I was attached to IVs.  I was physically weak but otherwise alive which left me wondering what the hell happened to me? In my present, I work to avoid this fate happening again.  I live by myself. I do this because I feel more comfortable than when living with someone I have trouble trusting. Since having to dump two friends of mine who were causing me neediness drama, I was like, wow, why do I have to live with anybody?

I had roommate drama visited on me in college.  They bullied me a lot. I tried to make it work.  I do not have emergencies since I take my medication, I change my set because I infuse, and I work very hard to prevent them.  This is why I have the privilege of  living by myself with an extra bedroom I eventually need to rent.  I cannot let anybody live here during the pandemic until there is a vaccine though.  I have not contracted a single cold in two years since my last one November 2018 that lasted a week. 

The last flu I ever had was December 2018.  I’m trying to keep my track record.  I hear a tongue scraper is one way to control germs in your body.  With extra income, I’m going for it.  It removes germs from your tongue so that they don’t get into your respiratory system.  I lived with roommates in college.  This was somewhat difficult for my energy system to tolerate.  In 2004, they were abusive.  Of course my parents don’t believe me while engaging in blame the victim.  But anyway, I’m working through the roommate trauma seeing as I stayed with someone while my parents were here. I didn’t pick a fight or need to fight her. I was wondering why roommates were doing that to me when I wasn’t starting a fight at all.

This sort of behavior causes me immense stress.  My parents were the sorts of people who also behaved this way, as I have been in therapy for years trying to figure out healthy.  Therapy is great for that stuff. I need to stay in therapy for a long time.  I’m trying to keep it together, but I need to make real income in order to pay for better therapy that isn’t totally online therapy if I go see a real world therapist.

I’m pretty much stuck at home until Coronavirus vaccine comes out.  The virus has spread unchecked in the United States.  It is bad.  Some people are not respecting quarantine rules.  I try to avoid every kind of emergency.  I do a lot to make sure nothing bad happens to me.  Hernia surgery will eventually get hard to avoid if I expect to see raw vegetables.  For now, my doctors have concluded that I do not need surgery for this hernia just yet even if I can feel acid reflux, and intense pain in my stomach and chest.

After hernia surgery, I will need a roommate, period. That is just the way it is.  I have some serious health problems such as low blood platelets, which could turn ugly because when I bleed, I bleed.  I just found out about this one not last year in 2019.

As it is with mr hernia, I feel pretty run down. I try not to get in situations where I’m given shit by anybody because I’m too weak to take it.  I’ve been working on myself, a lot. But then again my mother doesn’t do work on herself at all. I’m sick to death of being the hardworking one.  My future roommate will have to understand that I’m dealing with a lot of trauma.  I’m a very traumatized person.  It is why I don’t have a roommate, why I chose to walk on a bad knee for so long, in 2017.

After I enrolled in therapy at my local college, I got much better with my knee. I had a partial intestinal obstruction that was resolved in February 2018 with barium swallow treatment.  Then my knee started to get better, when I started therapy in Fall 2018.  I couldn’t help but notice how therapy helped my knee.  

My hernia problem itself is not that bad.  Surgery would be one night in the hospital, although I will have no one to stay with me if I eventually wind up getting surgery.  This is why when I do eventually need surgery, I’m going to have to ask for help.  I’m petrified of asking for help since I worry that means I feel sorry for myself and want pity. I’m a pity phobe. I try to act endlessly positive so people don’t throw stupidity at me.

I’m always bent on acting “okay” so that nobody notices how frakked up I do feel. I am trying to keep my head above water financially. There is no extra income for me right now although I’m working on this blog, my articles, and my books.  I have many avenues of potential income, including this blog.  I want to be able to make more money than I’m making now. My herb garden will not grow over night. I have to make extra money so I can start it.

I have an interest in herbalism, wanting to grow natural chamomile tea plants, valerian, and passionflower.  I want to dry my herbs so I can use the herbal tea to sleep.  Pills are not the best delivery method for me. Pills do not dissolve as well as tea, and I have no idea how melatonin would mix with my medications.  I’m working on my OCD using an OCD workbook.

I work on many a mental health problem this way.  I ask my roommate not be narcissistic at all, cause no drama, and not scare me in any way by being a fight picker. I need my roommate to be a kind person.  I need my roommate to be a nice person.  I have to have a roommate soon anyway.  I don’t know when I’ll get hernia surgery.  That is in limbo, really my life feels like it is in limbo in many areas.

I’m frustrated.  I’m deeply frustrated wondering what will change, if anything at all will change.  I’m working on my financial situation.  The thing is I’m trying to do good things with my life working on my writing, getting myself published.

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