Why Procrastinate?

The next step for my business, the Shadow Network, is to file for incorporation.  Yes, an expensive proposition so I can ask for a fee waiver.  The legal advice clinic felt I could qualify for one since I’m low-income.  Now, what scares me about having more money lately is manic spending habits where I just spend money on whims.   It is a feature of mania in Bipolar 1 disorder that people want to spend money just for the sake of spending money.  A thing brings bipolars great torture and pain because we have no control over our desire to spend money unless we seriously rein it in. It is why I stay low income, out of fear for my spending habits and myself.

Now the best way to save money is to not spend it. I need to become more financially literate here because my ignorance is a huge gap preventing me from making more money.  Ignorance is no excuse as someone who already has more than one college degree, like my Bachelor’s in creative writing, my AA in such, and my AA in anthropology.  I spent money on a “new” used computer but something happened. I messed it up in my carelessness.  There is psychic stuff going on there I don’t want to get into because it scares even me but the antidote to fear is courage and telling my mother I’m not putting up with her messing with me.

But anyway, I have procrastination problems.  It is why I plan on taking one class at a time. I’m supposed to take English 1A at San Francisco City College now that my writing is better.  Funny all the junior colleges in California do Semesters while Foothill-De Anza doesn’t.  I want to take an art class, and a library research class that is good for Internet research jobs.  What petrifies me about real school is my increasing problems with my hernia, and how many supplements I have to take. I need more medication minder pillboxes here but the good news is that I’m keeping my manic/online spending habits contained.  

Procrastination is simply a way of saying; I don’t feel I have the self-worth to get stuff started ahead of time.  But if you have half-a brain you know to get started on a project early.  As in, to Upwork clients I want to drop my own projects like a hot potato and work on your stuff first.  But I can’t stand working for someone at times although I want to get myself good and used to it.  Self-employment is in my nature.  

I’m navigating constant stomachaches although my blood sugars are stable. I’m busting my butt to get myself functional and I am functional.  I work hard. Too hard. I’m scared to death of filing for incorporation but sooner or later I have to quit being chicken. The step after that is to do a presentation for existing companies to see if it is a business proposition they value, that has value to them, and if they’d be willing to partner with me.  I’m trying to keep up with my life.

I have moments when I crawl back onto the couch. The San Jose VTA has shut down the light rail stations in light of the current shooting, who knows for how long?  Not that I want to go anywhere although I feel safest on the bus.  Yes, I have a lot to do at home.