To my family I’m supposedly disabled but the judge didn’t see that. What’s more my diabetes is so in control that I’m perfect. I’m still trying to nail an average of 125. Tonight I wake up at 3 a.m. I was 149 at 2 a.m. My deadline for perfect is May 31st, 2016, my diagnosis anniversary. My deadline for 161 is this Sunday. My deadline for 125 is May 31st. Shit if my last blood sugar was 280 and 270. Curses on the chocolate chip cookie I had as morning snack and vanilla yogurt.
I was trying to avoid chocolate or my Chewy Quaker Granola. I’m a sugar addict. I happen to know a lot about sugar addiction from sheer observation. I’m almost an expert. If you feel you need help with sugar addiction, please see my website at IriatheIrrepressible.com. I can help you with suggesting you eat cheese instead of sugar. It does me some good. I had two swiss cheese slices at 80 calories each at 10 last night. And my 9 p.m. snack was half a pizza stick from Safeway. Perhaps it kept me away from the granola bar. Chocolate covered yum. Okay, I have to stop thinking about granola. I turned in all my pagan school papers for the day. That much distracted me from chocolate.
For those of you who do not need medication a backorder is just fine and dandy for you . But those of us who are scared to death about having our meds being hard to find are not used to this garbage. When are you going to ship Geodon out to the many who depend on it. It allows me to keep a low profile. I am not an obvious sort of mentally ill person anymore. It is treated. I can fly under everybody’s radar. I haven’t cried in like four years. I really appreciate having my schizophrenia spectrum, bipolar spectrum and OCD spectrum stuff treated. Geodon gives me a great night’s sleep. The backorder must ship. Any day now. Generic is available of course but my prescription is for brand. I need my meds. You will eventually ship it.
Now that I’ve dislocated my left knee cap I’m dealing with a real disability here. My hypothyroid is so in control I can pursue, yoga, tai chi, and martial arts to my heart’s content. My type 1 diabetes is being an asshole to manage. I have a bruise in my site I have to change out tomorrow. My set still works mind you. At least my boyfriend knows it needs to be left in..
Lovely. Let it be known that disabled people do not want pity. They want to be seen for what they can accomplish or how they can be useful. Many people don’t know that pity is systematic abelism. I think my Geodon gives me an edge. I have total control over my emotions when in high school I was a wreck. An unstable psychic is annoying as shit to be around because you pump other people full of your unstable emotions. You can fuck somebody up like that. I messed up many people’s energy fields and had no idea.
If somebody talks about a disability you don’t understand, do not fucking say they are brave for having it. It is not bravery. It is daily life. Your ignorance is appalling. Likewise while I’m not on the autism spectrum, I have schizophrenia instead, autism is not contagious and kids will not act autistic around another autistic person. Shit motherfucker that’s just demeaning. Don’t ever let me hear that out of your ignorant mouth again dumb shit. This hazing belongs to somebody I heard about somewhere else and they are being hazed to let their kids play with somebody with autism. What a moron. I eat people like that for breakfast. I call normal people retards when they throw that one at me, often before they open their mouths seeing as I know what you will say before your ignorance comes out of your putrid mouth.
Calling somebody an invalid is also dehumanizing. They already know they can’t freakin’ walk. Don’t say it. Don’t ever say it. Wheelchairs are obvious. That’s why the sign shows one but disabilities can be mental health problems too. Do not pity party a disabled person. It will bloody well piss them off. Pity is not okay. Genuine compassion and understanding is okay but for goodness sake, don’t pity people. Pity is annoying. Why must people give pity when disabled people just want to feel useful for goodness sak?
I’m working towards a day when health care is free in the United States. where there is a cure for all disability everywhere and people are made whole. I’m working towards better insurance plans for everybody that anybody can afford. I want to be 120 and whole. I want to start a social movement where everybody with a disability can work if they want to and make enough money to support themselves. I would like to march on Washington for disability rights. I would like to speak to Congress about funding for health care research to do what we can to cure everything. This is but one purpose of my life. I will be 120 and maybe beyond.
You may find a picture of me on Facebook. I really don’t feel like posting one on here anyway. Today I will bitch about attractive person privilege. As an attractive person, most people are clueless about how I have three chronic illnesses. I don’t look sick. Please read up on the Spoon theory here: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/.
I’m hot so therefore I don’t look sick. I have to tell people how many spoons I have for that day. Sometimes I run out of spoons. I do not always have energy to do whatever. My anxiety is pretty chronic too so make that four. PTSD can happen, making that 5 although those symptoms really are something I have beaten.
Most people would like to think people with disabilities are not into sex also but my boyfriend happens to think I’m hot. I didn’t get a senior picture. I don’t want to get into that too much right now. It was a mess at home.
I have type 1 diabetes. That’s a big one. I have to take insulin all day long just to stay alive. Nobody gets that because all they see is a hot person. I could be taken out of the gene pool at any time if my insulin stops working. Nobody gives a shit about that. I also have hypothyroidism. Shutting off my period is a great idea. I am not a breeder. I do not want kids. People ask me why about that. I tell them I don’t want to pass on the crazy or the psychic. I can barely teach myself how to ground. Imagine teaching a child with schizophrenia the difference between delusions and real impressions. My kid could wind up really angry too. It would be a crime for me to have a child. I’m under the impression that my parents need medication as well. You have no idea what’s going at home right now. I can see their crazy.
This year I have resolved to stop being an adversarial bitch to my diabetes. The constant condemnation I do in my head doesn’t help me have stable blood sugars. I’m getting older and in martial arts class I find myself doing way more knee push-ups than arm push-ups. I’m almost 35 and hardly look my age. I do however, act my age. I try to be athletic daily because that stabilizes my blood sugar. I resent idiots like somebody at orientation who decided she wanted to help me by picking up my lancet. I hissed at her not to pick it up. Hopefully that was intimidating.
I resent it when people think I need help taking care of myself. That’s a load of shit. Also, I resent pity parties or condescending behavior. I bitch at people for all three of the deadly sins toward Iria. Of course my Facebook reads my long list of stuff friends should not do. I have standards.
On a side note, the pharmacist scared me half to death by saying my blood thinner wasn’t covered. I need the fucking blood thinner to prevent deadly Geodon related side-effects. It was fucking evil to be told it wasn’t covered. I need to complain to her manager whom she wouldn’t let me talk to. I sincerely hope they get mad at her. Zero understanding of how to treat disabled people. At one point she made the mistake of telling me Geodon wasn’t covered. Holy christ Jesus. Does she have fun instilling panic attacks? Really.
Well fuck it. All people see is somebody smokin’ hot instead of the disabled mess I perceive myself as being. I need to get over it. I wasn’t disabled enough to get a pension from SSI. I’m better off looking for a job. I’m most definitely better off being a motherfucking rich serial entrepreneur who can generate ideas for other people too. See my website at IriatheIrrepressible.com. I’m not letting my family near my financial situation. Nobody’s doing my taxes except H&R block if I can fucking afford it.
I get to take a Stanford-Binet IQ test for free. I also got paid a great compliment by a friend in Tai chi class. She feels I function very well for being on the schizophrenia, bipolar and OCD spectrum. I am thrilled she notices how well I’m doing.
Compared to my crazy mother, I’m doing very well. She works out at night and wonders why she doesn’t fall asleep until late. She has poor insight to link working out to sleeping later at night. She wasn’t even up this morning. Sheesh.
My exercise happens in the morning. I get shit for this. 8:30 p.m. is my cut-off hour for exercise anyhow. I get out of tai chi class by then. I’m ultra lazy this week because of New Year’s. I’m not going to the gym. I’m trying to do what my psychiatrist told me to do which is sleep through the night. I hope I can eventually accomplish that.
I applied part-time at Hyatt. I already had an application. My employment network feels Craigslist is evil. Indeed and SimplyHired are much better. One thing I need to get done with today is editing my resume actually. I have managed pseudo-employment while on disability. It is time to find an exit plan and pay for real insurance. A friend remarked that insurance is something like $600 compared to the $2,000 I was envisioning. I did my business plan books on my own. I made financial projections.
I will not be asking anybody for money though. I want to use my own money not a Venture capital firm. I have multiple business ideas. Thus, I’m a serial entrepreneur. I really would like to get my ideas off the ground this year along with working part-time and managing my internet business part-time. I need to make copies of my business plan with what money. I also have to pay for Pantheacon. If I haven’t made it clear, I practice witchcraft and I’m a pagan.
I never hear anti-medication shit from other pagans. I only hear it from New Agers. I have to be wary of certain groups of people. I use insulin, I use thyroid hormone and I use psych meds. For goodness sake, I also logged into FAFSA to see if I had an account. Perhaps if a job does come, I can pay for my two A.A. degrees myself. Actually, I have a B.A. in creative writing, an A.A. in anthropology and an A.A. in creative writing. I would most definitely like to get two more A.As, one in business administration with every certificate Foothill College has along with another in psychology. The way it is now, I need to get a B.S. in psychology in order to understand the GRE. I would fail the GRE if I took it now. Epic. Yes. Anyway, I’m driving to Berkeley on the 1st. I am adjusting my basal rates to 1.0 units or 1.05 units or 1.1. units at 10 a.m. I have a mid-morning high blood glucose no matter what I do. I’m quite annoyed by this and I’m trying to fix it. Thanks for reading, Happy New Year!!!!
Every disabled or chronically ill person really hates unsolicited advice. For god’s sake, if you know somebody with an illness it is unproductive to talk about the latest breakthroughs which in all likelihood will be unavailable because of Big Pharma. Take somebody with MS. Their body will breakdown. You do not need to remind them that what they do for treatment is only a preventative measure.
If you don’t know what you are talking about, if you are not a medical professional, keep your mouth shut. Do not put your foot in your mouth if you do not know the difference between blood pressure and blood sugar. Please do not assume you know something. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t sound like an idiot. Let the person talk.
Type 1 diabetes has no cure yet. New breakthroughs are hardly available and some people have no interest in hearing about a potential cure. Don’t call my diabetes a horrible illness even if you have diabetes insipidus. Diabetes is manageable. I have friends because I know how to have fun despite type 1 diabetes. I have good days and bad days. The holiday highs are upon me so I’m going for a half hour walk every day.
I am a perfect type 1 diabetic. Don’t stare at me at Christmas in the Park if I am having a churro and taking insulin. Many diabetics know how to have sugar in their diets. I’m one of them. I plan on having a churro as well as lunch every Sunday with my boyfriend. Like I said, I know how to have fun. If I walk, at least my metabolism works better. In dysfunctional families, the holidays are times of high stress.
My new endo reminds me not to set my standards too high. I let myself have positive obsessions. Oh and by the way, the person who hit me making it her fault showed up at the house. I was civil, more civil than her “screaming give me the money, give it to me.” I left that and called the cops. I have at least two witnesses. I changed lanes but she hit me from behind. She told me what to tell the insurance company. I wasn’t going to be bullied twice. People in my family are submissive females and need to learn to stand up for themselves. I never let anybody mess with me. My family is sexist and messed up. Let’s just say my witness was catching on to the situation better than certain people. Thank god I called the cops on this one.
I was in the YMCA locker room checking my blood sugar. I said “Goddamn it” and somebody thought that was funny as though I needed help. At that point, I snapped. I told her I do not need help, I said I have a disability and it is not funny. I said I do not need your pity or your condescension. She didn’t think she was being condescending. I straightened her out by informing her she was being condescending. Lol. I found my voice that day. I used it with wisdom. I wasn’t too hard on her, but she was being a royal idiot. Do I need help? Really? Fuck off .No. Note that when I’m manic, I can be really snarky. I’m a snarky bitch who has had type 1 diabetes for 26 years. Don’t fuck with the snarky bitch. I can fuck back.
I went to the Bridgeschool concert at Shoreline. Nobody gave me shit about my meds, syringes, or other needs. I chugged half of my meds at around 9. I survived a long concert. it was fun.
It is nice when security people don’t give you shit unlike the ones at Pirates of Emerson that I went to last year or two years ago by now. When i’m in large crowds on my own, sometimes I freak out. I pick up on a whole lot of psychic stuff. As of this year, I have gotten better at shielding myself from the onslaught.
The thing is, being psychic is not fun. It is not special. It doesn’t make me more enlightened than you. It makes me a whole lotta crazy. I don’t fully appreciate my talents that enabled me to heal my boyfriend’s fused together left arm as well as my friend’s plaque build up in an artery that she changed her diet to get over. It may not have been all me. All I do it seems is focus on how much I love that person and want them around.
A quirky psychic talent of mine is knowing when people are going to have psychotic breaks. I know when people are goingg to skip meds. I know when people are suicidal. It makes me crazy. I might be able to intervene. I’m right about my boyfriend’s former boss headed for a break. i’m of course, terrified of when this will happen. Its enough to set off a chocolate chip cookie craving.
September 21st, 2015
Iria Vasquez-Paez
Whenever somebody talks about their disability, it is really rude to tell them they want pity. Most people with a disability or chronic illness actually do not want that. It is enough of a struggle to make it from one day to the next whether you have unipolar depression or bipolar depression. It is especially difficult with bipolar disorder because if you are unstable, mania makes you feel up. Depression will make you go right back down though. In high school, I was on no meds for any reason. I had pretty bad anxiety. Nobody gave me meds for that.
When people talk about their disability, it means they are trying to lighten their load. It is a burden to have a disability whether it is in control or not. In my case, I have type 1 diabetes. Back when I was unstable, controlling diabetes was a huge chore. It was tremendously difficult when I got depressed because my blood sugar would go up. 120 mg of Geodon, 10 of Lexapro and 15 of Buspar really does help. I keep going at my diabetes management because I’m on the right medication.
I’m determined to reverse diabetes. I want to maintain a fasting average of 90-129. I would like my blood sugars to be at 125 average. It is an interesting goal. I think about it night and day. It permeates my entire legion of thoughts. With my imagination, I imagine, I can control my blood sugars better. I practice yoga, tai chi, and martial arts. My interest these days is body building. I can see how much muscle I can build. My uncle said I had big guns so I think he noticed what I’m up to in terms of building muscle. I’m into low-impact sports except for martial arts. Martial arts is really intense. I maintain my local YMCA membership.
So you see, I have no time for self-pity. It is abusive to tell a disabled person they want pity. It’s as abusive as telling a non-Christian they are going to hell for not believing. I lost 40 pounds in a year at my local YMCA. I use My FitnessPal religiously. I learn a lot about calories consumed in a day. Eating takes but five minutes. You’d better make wise choices about what you eat in five minutes. Preparing food to eat doesn’t take that long either. I’m contemplating getting a Munchery.com account so I can have dinner delivered when I’m too busy to cook.
Disabled or chronically ill people are only seen out and about on good days. A good day doesn’t involve the use of too many spoons. You only have so much energy. Some chronically ill people have trouble getting out of bed because of pain like in the case of fibromyalgia where someone’s whole body can hurt. Now those people suffer way more than I do with type 1 diabetes, hypothyroidism and schizoaffective bipolar 1. My meds are great. I’m doing great. Heck when I catch myself saying my life is hell, I rethink it by saying hold on, I have an insulin pump, I have thyroid pills I take every morning and most importantly I have meds. My life is great. Who am I to think my life is hell? I have a California driver’s license for one. I’m a great driver for another. Yes, my life is good. Very good. I have nothing to complain about.
Dear Disability Bully from High School,
(and those who lurk on the Internets)
I am refraining from using your name. I wanted to write this piece to tell you and the world what you did to me in high school. We started off as friends. You called me out on who my crush was. I tried not to take it personally. I tried to be your friend first. Did that offend you?
People with disabilities do not ask for pity just by talking about it. People are asking to be heard. I can hear about any illness or disability. I have many skills.
I do remember I punched you once and that pissed off an upper classman who punched me in the back. In high school, I had an untreated mental illness. I had no access to medication. Do you have any idea how hard it is for disabled people to have a positive attitude? Illness makes you feel down. It is the nature of having health problems. Demanding a positive attitude from me while you were negative, having white female privilege to be depressed was wrong. You bullied me for talking about my disability.
I would suffer from mania in high school and nobody noticed because I drank coffee to cope with my chronic exhaustion. I have had schizoaffective bipolar 1 most of my life. Nobody noticed it until 2012. I got proper medication and have been stable ever since. My mother denied me meds all four years of high school. I tried St. John’s wort but that could have made me manic as it does to people on the bipolar/schizophrenia spectrum like me. In fact, it probably did make me manic.
Nobody knew back then to call it mania. Nobody got me into therapy until sophomore year. You have no idea how depressed I was also throughout high school. It seemed to me like you had depression. Some people did remark I had more of a positive attitude anyway. Maybe in your ableism, you don’t know that disabled people do not want pity. When we talk about our disability, we expect support, not pity. People with chronic illnesses do not exist for your pleasure, your perverse pleasure to destroy them for feeling ill. My rule is simple: I only help people who want to stand up for themselves. I didn’t deserve to be ignored but I do believe that if somebody wants to take abuse it is pointless to help them by doing all the fighting back for them.
Some people take meds for depression and it is a lifelong way to resolve unipolar depression. You didn’t have meds in high school so you could take white female privilege and be depressed. As a minority, you didn’t allow me the luxury to express my feelings. Eventually I avoided you and made friends with people who would let me be as I was without imposing their dictatorship of having a positive attitude. With regard to chronic illness, it is hard to have a positive attitude when your body feels terrible, My hypothyroidism gave me really long periods starting in high school and ending in 2002 when my thyroid hormone was regulated. So I went through high school depressed twice over with my mental illness and my thyroid which was untreated until I went to the doctor myself.
And now I take a moment to address new agers in various Facebook groups I was a member of in the past. I take insulin to live. Try wrapping your brain around that. It is a synthetic version of what the body produces. It no longer comes from cows or pigs. It is based off of human DNA. Insulin keeps me alive. I know what it is like to have no insulin from February 1991 to May 1991. Don’t diss insulin. Do not piss me off for using insulin. It keeps me alive. To the twats who ask me to quit meds, I can’t ever get off my meds. It would make me dangerous to do so or really suicidal. I can ground myself just fine on my meds. Nobody is allowed to talk to me in that manner not on any group, on my personal page, at bookshops, or conferences. Nobody messes with me like that. I need my meds. If I ever go on Reiki retreats, I will have to get a strong box to lock up my meds in because one of you mfs might have the indecency to throw out my meds if you are a crack pot who thinks I can heal myself of anything. Really? Grow up and respect my disabilities.
Iria Vasquez-Paez
iriavp 