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My Real Life

September 1, 2018

I act like I’m a tough little bitch who doesn’t need support or attention. But underneath I feel like I need more friends to hang out with who aren’t goddamn Frenemies. I’m hurting inside because I fear not being good enough to make it to law school or any other advanced degrees. Just because some idiot thinks women with diabetes live to be 69 is bullshitting themselves. I met a type 1 who was already old and he then died of congestive heart failure. I made him a promise to go to law school. I did tell him that I will not give up on myself. I will find a way to get to UCLA.


When I feel shitty, I feel as if nobody gives a shit. Who cares? Nobody but then again that is what my family wants me to feel. I struggle with letting people into my dark shell because I don’t want to appear needy, depressed, or down in any way. I try to keep up the front of positivity to keep the pity idiots away from me. I have no idea if my current set of meds would help me go to school and learn math right. I had epic math failures in high school because I wasn’t treated. Had I been on something I would have been happy to study math and science. The fact is, that my mental illness went untreated. I was dependent on my family financially, which is now no longer the case but I have to make sure that my money doesn’t run out.


Lately though with my job search situation, there is doubt. I have to wonder if I’ll ever get to law school by the time I’m 40 as I’m 37. I need LSAT books but more importantly to take some law classes at the junior college level to become a paralegal. I will start with Legal Research and Writing at De Anza or other pre-reqs as I have my general ed done although I want to retake some classes online. I have a lot on my mind right now with few people who actually give a shit long enough for me to talk to them. I can stand being alone. I can stand being without people. I can live by myself. But sometimes, things get dark.



From → Health

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