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What Being Manic Does to My Emotional Control

October 28, 2018

Mania is torment. Hell is having an untreated mental illness. Mania means you cannot control yourself, you watch your behavior from a great distance but are trapped inside your body, watching yourself act out. This is why I work hard to be medication consistent. I can’t afford a misstep. As a type-1 diabetic I’m hard pressed to keep up my control. If I slip up even once, my control suffers. I mean my mental health would also put me in trouble if I make one mistake. Some of my ex-friends do not understand that one mistake of mine means I wind up in the hospital or it could kill me.

This has been the most peaceful October I have had in a long time, what with the thinning veil between the worlds. I feel very calm. I have done some reading about psychic ability. I’m working on getting it through my head that my talents are real. Mania just means my emotional control doesn’t work anymore. It means that I go out of control. I do not want that, ever, because I could melt down my screen door, or every metal object in the house. Somehow when I melted my phone down, it was still working.

Sometimes metal objects do still work despite the way I melted them down like plugs for my vacuum. Mania doesn’t help you stay in control over yourself. This is why I had to dump an old friend who might have dependent personality disorder. She couldn’t make a decision without asking me. It got so exhausting to deal with her that I had to block her on my phone. The more boundaries I set, the needier she got. So I dumped her for the sake of my mental health.

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