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How to Fend Off Suicidal Thoughts

July 2, 2019

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Back when I was not on medication, I’d have to fend off suicidal thoughts. My family is not the sort of people who take responsibility for picking on me for expressing suicidal thoughts though, because that is what would happen to me. I guarantee you that they take no interest in this blog or my Facebook since I have both parents blocked on Facebook. The thing is, I have put up with constant shit. So I’m trying to learn to not be hard on myself when I realize I really do not do many wrong things in my life to hurt others.

I’ve been hurt but I do not deliberately hurt others, although mania does turn me mirror-universe evil. I have had to deal with those who pick fights with me in order to blame my behavior on getting triggered into mania when it was really them. This is a persistent paper-doll like theme in my life that I’m working on getting rid of. When some idiot girls in their car screamed “retard” at me in my neighborhood on Blossom Hill and Playa Del Rey, I screamed back at them that I was ill, and you shouldn’t be picking on someone too exhausted to fight back. Anybody on Blossom Hill who lives in a condo should know about this as I was yelling loud. The only other witness was a female electrician who was chuckling.

Why do people want to trigger me so much still? I’m working on changing this life pattern. Because yes, we mentally ill people have suicidal thoughts but OCD gives you some of those without meaning to. It is random, and at times, funny. In high school, I felt so anxious that time moved at a slow crawl for me when I was sitting there in the classroom. I’d panic often, and spent whole days with my heart racing, all day, every day. This is what its like to have untreated schizoaffective.

I was often wondering if I’d make it to the end of class, and paranoid I would die before the end of class. Despite the stress, I managed to make it through all four years of high school without medication. It is not a weakness to take medication, like my family thinks. Its ridiculous they didn’t know any better. But hey, I’m medication consistent now. You fend off suicidal thoughts by thinking of something else. Then again with OCD that is hard and I’m very grateful for the OCD medication I have now.

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