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November 16, 2020

I’ve been interested in science fiction since before birth. Dad watched a lot of TOS while I was in the womb.  My parent’s first date after I was born was Star Trek: The Motion Picture.  None of the other kindergarteners were drawing Romulan warbirds from the original series. I didn’t get palate surgery until 1989, so I put up with my voice as it was.  I am paranoid in my adult life that it is obvious I used to have a nasal voice, and I throw a lot of flonase at it. But anyway, I’ve met other people with 22q on Facebook. I’m unlike them, and the psychic who  gave me this reading was so right.

Science fiction and paranormal events have haunted my life, most of my life. From the second Star Trek the Next Generation premiered, I was hooked.  Yes, it counts as my favorite TV show from the 1990s.  I was a huge fan of the original Superman movies with Christopher Reeve, and then Smallville grew on me but not without pissing me off because Clark did something stupid to make his mother lose her baby.  Then I realized I could only stand watching it every so often but I watched 10 years of material in two from 2016 to 2018.  

Seeing as I have super powers of my own as a psychic, which cause me endless grief, well, just look at the doorknob picture on this blog page, Smallville is triggering to watch, in particular with its take on mental illness.  Mania turns me evil as red kryptonite does to Clark Kent.  The Ex used to put me in situations when I couldn’t take my medication, which then led to him picking on me to cause conflict, stress, triggering me into stuff.  I broke up with him before I started watching Smallville again, but then Smallville also gets into relationship trauma, what makes a good relationship, or what makes a bad relationship.

Yes, I have realized that at 36, when my parents left, I had to unpack a lot of trauma.  Trauma which made me feel vulnerable, but then I was taking classes at work 2 future, and learning how to rise to the occasion when giving someone shit becomes necessary.  After a two week-long class, I felt like I couldn’t take the drama so I dropped Work 2 Future in favor of occupational therapy at San Jose State. I lead a drama free existence in this present, since the source of drama, my mother, moved. She retired in Spain, using my energy to manifest her house. Okay, dang it, I feel run down in this house even as I try to heroically manage a brittle form of type 1 diabetes that is difficult to manage.

 In the present, since May 2020 I have not been able to drive. Mr. hernia makes me way too anxious, my knee bends, but I was driving without my knee bending right. This created exhaustion, even if I was able to eat ketchup still in 2017, but that went where it went in 2019.  But anyway, I’ m a very gifted psychic.  Almost too talented, and I finally sucked it up and emailed Novus Spiritus.  This was an organization I avoided joining for years.  In my twenties, I continued the quest for stability, looking for mediumship classes, occasionally finding them.

What irks me about those groups is that some are ill-equipped to understand my disability as it presents now.  I have to write a bunch of manuals under a pen name if only because I feel driven to provide guidance to other people.  Many of us with mental illness are truly up the creek, barely being given a paddle because it is difficult to come out to a psychiatrist.  Now I can tell them my pagan religious leanings.  I’m centrist, neither all the way left-hand path, or all the way right-hand path.  I’m in the middle.

It’s a relief to have psychiatrists who understand me.  I needed pediatric psychiatry.  But okay, some do not understand why this is, and average 22q folk on Facebook are probably flabbergasted as to why I didn’t get treated as a child.  But anyway, yes, there was a lot growing up that was overlooked.  This is why people who lack understanding on what I went through, having to endure sleep deprivation, not beign treated in high school, and having to go to school all the time with coffee the only thing keeping me awake throughout all the sports I had to do.

See, my family had a denial complex, and still does. Mental illness denial, and psychic talent denial.  I can’t afford to maintain it. Period.  My ever expanding skill set now leads to shutting off cars, see why I can’t deny it? In March I was exploring this but you see, my left leg is swollen. I’m trying to throw clove essential oil at it, to see if this improves the situation. 

Now that I’m aware that claircognizance is my highest talent, and I have no clue how to say this in Spanish, but hey, I can read for business eventually when I have the experience to start my own. At 39 I feel like I’m trapped in the low-income lifestyle, that my life is in limbo.  I’m wondering if I’m going to be healthy enough to make money since mr.hernia has to go.  Clearly that has to be done, but I can’t get all paranoid, ooh I have autoimmune thrombocytopenia, it could cause a brain bleed and all kinds of hot messes.  We don’t want to think about that.  I don’t want to cause myself more anxiety than I already have.  I’m so anxious that my medical record calls it anxiety state. My theory on why is: mom’s and dad’s symptoms in my body even with all the medication I throw at anxiety state. I mean that’s literally what they say.  I try to sleep it off, medicate it, meditate it out of me, the only insane theory I have is that it is other people’ s feelings. Yes, community, its time I get proper training with respect to my chronic illness.

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