iriavp

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Childhood emotional neglect is a term coined by Dr. Jonice Webb, author of Running on Empty: Overcoming Your Childhood Emotional Neglect, and Running on Empty No More: Transform Your Relationship With Your Partner, Your Parents and Your Child. I grew up in a format where my family didn’t always pay attention to me. I was in my room alone half the time, although I had friends who would come over. Neglect does any number of things to you according to my reading. I have less compassion for myself than I have for others. I need a balance.

Empty people thrill-seek. They need something to fill the void. My family has their own neglect issues to sort through, which is why they did that to me without knowing what it is they were doing. Counter-dependent people remember their childhood as lonely at times. I was often either in my tree house or in my bedroom in the house we lived in from the time I was like 5 to 12. Unrealistic self-appraisal is something I have overcome this year, by learning what I like, dislike and how not to overemphasize my weaknesses.

I have guilt and shame issues because I hide my emotions so that others cannot see them. They only see happy, occasional anger, and positivity over all. I bowl people over with the perennial positive attitude. My fatal flaw is a fear of getting close to people, as I fear anybody betraying my trust again like a friend of mine did by skipping her medication, as well as having obvious “I’m-with-an-abuser” personality changes. I have immense trouble with nurturing self and others, as I try to hide any needy anything. I try to be never needy Iria although one thing I do not have trouble with is self-discipline which I have oodles of, and I try to be aware of my feelings so I do not dabble in alexithymia, much. Also, I have more years of therapy in store, as I had a very traumatic childhood in which I was punished for stuff that really, I didn’t need to be punished for. Now I realize there was nothing to punish. Yes, that weighs heavily on me. I know that my mother had nothing to punish in a constructive way, she only went after me for things she perceived as rude, when maybe it was her. So you see, I try to go no contact whenever I can.

I woke up deliberately at midnight tonight. Then I kept waking up and couldn’t go b back to sleep as I was seized with an urge to write. I have been on my computer since 4:00 a.m. this morning. I’ve also maintained stable blood sugars the whole morning. I adjusted my midnight basal rate, which is the amount of insulin you get hourly. Infusion is 24/7, this is a fact of life for people with diabetes. Another fact about my diabetes is the way I haven’t passed out, except in Chile around Christmas 2006. I let my parents push me around that day.

I should have told them to stop but I wasn’t strong enough as my energy was hijacked and I was vulnerable. But anyway, I haven’t passed out since then, ever. That’s 12 to 13 years. Diabetics who pass out is a stereotype that some of us are subjected to. Low blood sugar can make one look very drunk sometimes, causing a police officer to jail a person who is merely in need of sugar, glucose tablets, and food. I walk around and get low sometimes as my diabetes educator just told me I have hypoglycemia unawareness. Somehow I have stayed conscious through bad lows, like being 30 or 24. I have lived through those. But anyway, I raised my 12:00 p.m. basal rate, soon I will stop having to wake up so much. I did sleep well today even if I woke up very early and started my writing for the day. I am winning the war, provided that I do not loose an infusion set through psychokinesis bending the needle. When my blood sugar is stable, I feel better. I don’t feel my energy going every which way. Lows do that, highs make me depressed.

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My business plans are on a list that I call Business Ideas Categorized. Only one of my friends has seen this list, besides my therapist who has also seen it. I finished many a business plan in the last three years. It is up to me to figure out how to sell a business plan, because I’m done writing them. My IriatheIrrepressible website didn’t make any money because I didn’t market it or incorporate it. I just programmed and set up the website with a hosting company, Go Daddy, which I think it was anyway.

I finished my business plan for a website to let web developers congregate online so as to find one in your own hometown rather than rely on some distant freelancer. I have not started my shoe retailer business plan. But I finished my personal assistant phone app plan. I also finished a social network for writers and coaches of all kinds, sort of business plan. I have one supposedly for-profit that turned into a non-profit half-way through creating the plan because I realized that charging for business consulting is something I eventually want to do. My idea to organize statistical data in a comprehensive way using the Internet is a for-profit. Then I had an idea for a website for healers.

Healers of many kinds, to connect to them with an appointment in the real world, and letting those healers earn a salary in addition to the fee they charge, as I’m trying to make psychic stuff more affordable for people, because it is really expensive to talk to anybody who is a professional psychic (i.e. a telepath who makes money). I have thought about having a website for authors who need their book to have a companion advertising website. For this to work, I need to download a new Google Chrome for my Mac, as well as Adobe Dreamweaver. Of course, I will try to find someone who can actually get paid for this, using Clickaway most likely.

I deleted one idea on the list, because Fivver already exists and is useful. Then I have an idea for compiling book reports on a website featuring a report for many different books. This would help people make money using the Internet. I’m also having it in mind to make books available digitally like Amazon does provide. I have monetized my blog, and written a business plan for this blog. Other idea categories include inventions but I have ideas so new I can barely tell myself this idea let alone write it down. I have ideas for brick and mortar businesses that I’m going to keep to myself, but then again I would like to start a Bay Area anger room in San Jose. I also have an idea for a bodyguard service. What makes me fume is watching disabled people get mistreated by their minders, because they deliberately mistreat people who cannot fight back. My list of non-profits is another blog post altogether. So I have to wonder which business plan to sell first, as I have many ideas that require an angel investor, someone you do not always have to pay back if you get a grant.

I have no idea, which businesses of mine are something I can start immediately. The t-shirt business is easy but requires inventory. I have trouble keeping my ideas straight. There is a list. For example, gummy consistency glucose tablets. Better tasting glucose tablets. Then there is the matter of my ice pack for my insulin pump which I need an actual pump case to start using. The ice pack could be used for other infusion devices also, as SCORE pointed out to me that there are other drugs out there that require infusion although I’m not sure which kinds.

At any rate, my to-do lists will be centered around my businesses. I’m like, in waiting mode though, and procrastination mode at that. I’m saying to myself, I can start working on it when all my ideas are on computer. I have to start working on my businesses now though. I mean, right now, only because I’m not getting any younger here. I want to accomplish something significant with my life. I’m 38 and I feel like I’m having a midlife crisis but I do not look my age. My looks severely confuse people and this is why I do not have a picture up on the Internets, well, that and my staph infection. I’m paranoid about taking any pictures since the infection shows up on pictures. For some reason, it is localized around my chin.

I have witnessed tea bags exploding from psychokinesis. Psychokinesis is an energy that flows from your hands. It is generated by energy flowing through your body, somehow, this little bit I know. It has messed up my fence, and the nails inside it, even new nails that I tried to nail into my fence myself, got messed up. My spoons and forks are bent when it turns on. I have made a dent in my doorknob in the garage. The dent is the size of my thumb. I can fit my right thumb perfectly in that little dent.

I’m nervous from a variety of different things going on in my life, one of which is being low income. I’m also stressing about how to buy a new battery for my car. My car sits there, lifeless, but that is what I need it to do right now although I will buy a new battery, and eventually file for planned non-operation. For now, my registration is paid for, and I need to pay the registration eventually. I like doing stuff like that online. But my PK is triggered when I do something like change my infusion set. I have had to think happy thoughts when I do change my infusion set so as not to trigger it.

Being low income is a huge source of frustration for me, as much as I like it because I feel like I’m not sinning by having money. Then again greed is the sin I’m trying to avoid. I mean, having enough money for yourself if you are family and not lending some is ridiculous. I have to buy myself a pair of sandals. My goal is to have $200 in copywriting by Thursday this week. The money comes in a day later, using Paypal automatic transfer.

Telling a narcissist the truth is bizarre. I just did this, right now, this morning. In Spain it is dinner time, but hey, confronting the bizarre bullshit that goes around about me. Hey, 22q doesn’t make me retarded. It gives me health problems, a fucked up immune system, and tiny feet. I was jokingly via text message, telling Zod about how some people believe I’m a retard who will never amount to anything. Lol. I confronted her via text. I also said that a certain person with no respect for me as a witch is allowed to come over. I don’t have the energy to bend down.

I have a little self help book to send Zod all about narcissism, histrionic personality and borderline. Its designed for people with serious personality issues. I mean I’m admitting that I’ve gotten to the point where I say “learn to be wrong,” or I’m done. They already do not take medication. So what more damage could be done to me than has already been done? I mean seriously, making shit up about my IQ? How high do you think my true IQ is dear reader? There are a lot of things I keep to myself.

So if I ever get a real IQ test, and the truth comes out, their house of cards will crumble. People will be like, WTF? Seriously? She has a high IQ the whole time and nobody told her? I need to file for VIPQ Enterprises to become a fictitious name. I also need an EIN number. Telling a narcissist off is fun. I made Zod squirm. Yes, she squirmed. That is an obnoxious talent of mine, making folks squirm. I’ve gotten terribly good at that.

A vision is a mental state that clairvoyants have that is kind of like watching a movie. I’m trying to write this piece without needing any kind of definitions I’m looking up on the side, essentially without help. Visions show possible futures, options, probabilities and possibilities. Visions are not set in stone as the future has many iterations that could be possible. The future, however, is eternally unwritten. This I because the future could otherwise exist but it does not necessarily come to pass. Visions could show you the past also. This is called retrocognition, useful for anthropologists and archaeologists, as you go back into the past to piece things together.

Visions are harrowing sometimes, although it could be a story I’m working on also. I’m trying to do a lot projects all at once in my head first, and this is exhausting me. I’m trying to take things one day at a time. My visions cause me stress. I wonder if it will happen or if it is simply a possibility my brain is showing. What brain? Why do I have to see? I’m confused, and scared when I have visions. I don’t know what they are good for, or what the point is?

I have plans to run for President in my 60s. I will attempt to be D.A. in my 50s, and eventually by the time I get my Ph.D. I’m moving from Los Angeles to Sacramento, as I want to be the Los Angeles congressional representative. I will have my law degree by then. I feel like I’m in a hurry, like time is rushing past me, but then again I have to be very stable to even begin working on this one. The state of our country right now is terrifying for many of us, even normal Republicans.

Without stepping on any toes, I can only say that we need to chill. Yes, the ICE stuff is frightening, even for a LEGAL person like me. I taped a color copy of my U.S. passport to my window. Crazy much? Sure, but anyway, shall we say that 45 is headed for a massive meltdown. He deals with relentless criticism. The mind and life of a narcissist is destroyed when they have a melt down from all the stress they are under. If they see they have a serious problem, they get help. Not my family though, with their brand of narcissism, as well as their lack of basic mental health knowledge, they are not the sorts of people who seek help.

The shower in my condo will be remodeled Thursday. I may not have a shower on Friday. I will go to the library on Thursday, and do my work from there to see if I’m more focused with less distraction around such as food. Hopefully they will finish the job in like a day. I’m more functional today because the antibiotic is kicking in. I feel much better over all. I was feeling nauseated on Monday when I went to urgent care by myself, by bus. It was partly the high heat I was walking around in. This is why I do not often go out in direct sunlight when its summer.

I am a very independent person who takes my responsibility to my health seriously. It is why I dragged myself to urgent care earlier this week. I had to. Fortunately they discovered my infection was staph, and gave me antibiotic. But hey, I didn’t have a ride so I hitched a ride with the bus. This is the way my family wants things. It is a rule that I cannot ask for help or support. Silly rule that, isn’t it? I often find myself without help. But that could be another Cyndi Dale style X in my energy field, a marker that instructs others how to treat the marked.

The best way to handle a bully is to intimidate them back by ignoring them. They are trying to get a rise out of you in many ways. At Work 2 Future with that one mentally unstable person who was busy calling me a famoustard, while I figured out to call her manic person back. I said to her “because I’m so fucking retarded right?” to shut her up. This is why I’m not going to work 2 future right now, having a hernia is more than enough health-problem drama for me. I maintain a low profile because I do not want to risk people feeling sorry for me, ever.

Sure I have a lot of health problems, but I know how to show up for class. These last few years with work 2 future, I’ve been showing up to class, not feeling anxious with sweaty palms, and knowing how great medication can be. I have felt pretty good. See, I have an understanding with my doctor, I get to decide my Geodon dose for myself. I’ve decided to keep it high this summer, since my uncle passed away in December.

Bullies want to shame you. That woman who walked in on me in the bathroom at a restaurant in downtown San Jose, was watching me wipe my ass. I didn’t look at her, I just focused. She was the crazy one who opened the door. I used silence to intimidate her. When I got out, they had a table close to us. I simply sat down, and tried to validate myself. What the hell was she doing staring at me? I’ve tried to manifest a bully, domestic-violence, and stress-free life with dumping the ex. I also live mania and workaholic-free. A day doing nothing fills me with shame at the thought but I have that option now. I have business plans to organize, and write. I’m often very busy.