I decided not to go to the party that I was invited to. Going to parties full of muggles is kind of hard when you have schizoaffective, so I only party around other disabled people or other pagans. With non-pagans I have to lie a lot. I have to come up with good cover stories as to how I knew something, why my advice was dead-on, why I felt someone’s feeling, etc. I have to come up with a series of cover stories for everything. This is why I find parties and hanging out with friends rather stressful right now.
I’m staying home, staying away from toxic people, and trying to heal myself from a lot of different health problems. I need more sleep than most people because of my 22q. My family deliberately didn’t treat my mental health and sleep deprived me. I was chronically exhausted until my late twenties, back when I was a functional alcoholic. All the things I’ve done without a hernia is mind-boggling. Flying to Spain in 2014 could have made me that ill passenger. One thing is for sure that I decided never to fly with my family again, period.
Journey to God is the ultimate snarky Star Trek where the ancient Gods are real and the crew meets them. There is diversity, and differences abounding but the crew doesn’t always get along. This is about a dysfunctional crew of explorers who give each other shit. They do not work together very well, they have problems, and they may be narcissistic. It’s supposed to be a long book of 1,000 pages. I don’t know how to squeeze this into a very long Word file. The book has been in my head since my junior college days. It must be written out eventually because it is stuck in there.
My anti-marriage book about many different marriage traditions on the planet is something stuck in my head fighting to get out. Non-fiction book ideas are swarming in my head under a pen name. The non-fiction is ever expanding. I’m even going to write a psychic ability pamphlet. Non-fiction book ideas are pretty much floating around in that brain of mine, and also tons of article assignments. I have Cracked, a website I could write for, lists that flow, and article ideas everywhere. Maybe this December 31st, I should have a put together my ideas on a list day or something. I intend on finishing my business plans by December 31st give or take.
Yes, new ideas pop into my head daily. I could keep myself busy for years on end. I will try to publish my ideas online and in print. I have motivation to do this. I write daily, using my B.A. in English daily. I try to make something of myself. I work very hard actually. My work means something to me. I value my hard work. I try to make sure that I get somewhere. I even have an idea to write articles that attract a Pulitzer Prize. That prize comes with money, which I could use.
I wish I had more energy because there are many things I want to do but I simply do not have the energy. My hernia will eventually need surgery so I know not to worry about that and supposedly I don’t have to limit my activity. All the non-fiction books I have to write under a pen name I have to keep separate from my real name are in my head and need to be written. As it is, I’m spending all of today resisting the urge to check my blood sugar, as well as resisting the urge to buy strips. My credit card can’t take another hit financially, so I’m going to have to resist.
I’m trying not to stress as strips renew on Wednesday. I have plenty of strips between now and then. Somehow I was low at 1 a.m. this evening so I woke up, treated it, went back to sleep. I manage to sleep until 6 a.m. today when I got up to work on my writing. I write copy for Textbroker.com, and I have Vocal Media to write for also. I’m working on writing for this blog more too. I have no shortage of stuff to make myself get done as I was an only child growing up.
Histrionic personality disorder is an attention-seeking personality disorder as bad as narcissism and borderline combined into one hot mess. If one is bipolar-schizoaffective, also being histrionic, this is a massively bad form to be in. Personality is an aspect of brain function that relates to ingrained patterns of behavior affecting the ways someone relates to their perceptions of the world versus themselves. Personality is not etched in stone at 18, it is something that changes with the person, by the second. You are not incapable of change at 18, or forced to change your entire personality at 18.
Personality disordered people have many a stiffened attitude about their ways of thinking, behaving, and relating to the world. Personality disorders begin at adolescence, or early adulthood. Histrionic people like attention; the bottom line is that they do whatever it takes to get it. They are self-centered or sexually seductive when they flirt with people they are not with. They have disturbed emotions when they exaggerate how much pain they are in to get attention. They are supposedly the “life of the party”, something I do not want to do to anybody, which is why I stay shy.
They dress uniquely to draw attention to themselves. Histrionics genuinely get uncomfortable when they are not the center of attention: they are influenced by the opinions of others. I have a theory that my mother is histrionic, among other disorders. Being around her simply makes my mental health go south and she knows it. This is why I go out of my way to avoid my family as they don’t live in the United States anymore. As she takes no interest in anything I’ve done, I doubt she bothers with Internet stuff because I keep her blocked on Facebook. She is unlikely to seek help for any mental health problem anytime soon, much less addictions.
Works Cited
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/histrionic-personality-disorder
I almost died of Type 1 Diabetes on May 31st, 1991. I want my medical records around from this time. If anybody could help me get them, it would be greatly appreciated, in particular people who work for Stanford. I infuse these days, and I’m a brittle diabetic who is fighting like hell to get myself stable daily. I’m fighting the good fight and trying really hard to maintain my blood sugars. I don’t often talk about the fact that I was kept alive by machines at the age of 10, lying in the hospital, my spirit body was walking around observing.
Extremely high blood sugar without using insulin can be lethal very quickly, I was at Girl Scout Camp thinking I had a normal cold, but at home when I got home, I slipped into a coma. To this day, that sensation terrified me out of falling asleep. I still feel afraid to sleep sometimes, although medication helps a lot, as you readers know I also have schizophrenia. I feel scared to go to sleep from my CPTSD. I have really bad anxiety that just refuses to go away sometimes. My anxiety is truly something that I find annoying, that worries me because of its existence.
I need to put myself into mental health rehab in order to begin to survive living in Los Angeles. I have a rehabilitation facility in mind for this, called Bridges to Recovery, which is why I need this here blog to make money. Real money. I’m trying to make money as an online copywriter, trying very very hard here. My blog could also make money, but that depends on how many views I get online. I’m going to start freelancing to try to make a dent in my financial situation.
Borderlines suffer from fits of extreme emotion, where it is hard if you are also bipolar 1 and borderline, because then that person is a victim to their feelings. They have immense trouble controlling their emotions. I’ve been accused of having borderline but to my knowledge, borderline is something that I do not have but my mother does. She generally tends to ignore modern psychology as a science, which she feels is not worth much time to study or look into. Borderlines are impulsive about a lot of different things. They also have a history of unstable relationships in which they are the ones who pick fights.
People with borderline have trouble finishing school, maintaining stable jobs or having a health long-term relationship with a husband or wife. Borderlines do not have a positive self-image. They also face isolation, being bored, or feeling empty. They have difficulties with empathy for others and empathy for themselves. They go from intense love to hatred in 0-60. One minute they like you, the next minute they hate you. I have friends with borderline who keep their stuff under control though. They really do but that is because they are not bipolar/borderline. I believe in dumping people like that.
Borderlines do the reckless driving thing, alcohol abuse, drug abuse for others, and are into having unsafe sex. They are hostile, but also have unstable career goals, can’t plan long-term, without having many dreams of what they want in the future. Some borderlines could have schizophrenia in addition to borderline personality disorder. Drinking is a self-destructive borderline thing to do as is their suicide attempts, the way some cut themselves, or causing burns through self-harm, and do other self-destructive things. 4-9% of borderlines may be a suicide, which to me is a frightening statistic. Therapy may help reduce the impulsive self-destruct a borderline often finds themselves in.
Works Cited
I want to move to Los Angeles because of the fabulous opportunities in film and television as well as writing. I need an AA in film and television from De Anza to achieve some graduate school standing. My transcript reflects how I have only a Bachelor’s. But hey, more school is ahead, although I’m not enrolling until I’m recovered from my knee injury, having achieved perfect diabetes. I need to make real money in order to move. I want to earn an MFA in film and television as a no-GRE graduate degree. I have to take the LSAT eventually.
I feel the weather in Los Angeles will be good for me because I will be able to stay stable in winter. I’m in San Jose until I feel good about myself. I need to get myself sterilized since I do not feel the need to maintain a relationship right now in general due to that situation. I’m a busy bee, trying to keep myself above water financially. I’ve decided that my family has to earn my trust, my money, and my considerate care. Otherwise, there is no point in just up and give them the money.
I’m a good person but I’m not that good of a person, I’m not a push over. The scary part is that they really want me to just up and give it to them. No. No. No. They have to meet various criteria and conditions before they get the money. So in which case, it will be my money, which they are not entitled to. I need to make real money by now, sorry doctors, I know you mean well by telling me to maintain my benefits. If I slept the whole night and was more stable than I am now, would you think I’m not delusional wanting to make my own money to break away from the trap my parents set?
I try to be a nice person, but not too nice. Mania can turn me very mean but also if I’ve been picked on one too many times I respond with natural viciousness that means I’ve been pushed around, and I’ve had it. I’ve realized I’m simply a victim of a lot of abuse. I get pushed over the edge, and then I explode, while the abuser blames me for my response. Oh, there are only so many things I can take, since I have my limits like everybody else. Abusers love making it your fault. Although, I suppose my dad and I have forgiven each other, with my mother it is a different story.
I’m not a mean person by any sense of that word. I try to be kind whenever I can but I’m trying to learn how to give people what they deserve. If someone is good to you, you can give him or her your kindness while if someone is mean to you, you should be mean to him or her back. It is a very simple equation, do unto others as they do unto you, but that is hard for some of us to grasp.
Back when I had to dump a toxic friend, I realized she was pushing me around with her phone calls and “fake neediness.” I started to ignore her calls. I was like, wow, you are busy taking my life force from me, and so I am going to have to dump you because you are hell bent on spreading your negativity into my system. She managed to manipulate her boyfriend into marrying her. For me its like, hey, I’m willing to wait for a decent relationship. I’m going to stay put a single woman. I’m going to be single for a long time even if many of my high school friends are married, and I’m feeling developmentally behind.
My self-esteem is pretty bad right now anyway. So I’m in therapy twice a week to work on it. I’m working on it. I stayed in toxic relationships too long but now I know how to spot the toxic person. In 2016, I saw my new friend was toxic, so I dumped her. The bottom-line is that I know how to protect myself from toxic people. Happy people know how to do this. I guarantee my family doesn’t know how to do this but some of them aren’t like that.
I wised up on signing those years ago. You were rude to me when I said I wasn’t feeling well enough to put up with your shit. WTF was that about? I called 311 to report your ass. Seriously, if you see me again, avoid me. I feel run down and this is making me intolerant of taking anybody else’s shit. You will not approach me like that again. Or you will get 911 called on you. There are days I do not have the energy to be nasty. Being mean to people is never a good thing. Avoid fragile people wearing back braces for goodness sake.
iriavp 