I didn’t know I had a small hiatal hernia for like many years of my life. So drinking could have messed that up big time. My family probably knew about this health problem but forgot or didn’t tell me. Drinking was forced on me as one way to deal with mental health issues. Drinking is not the best way to deal with those, nor is it the only way. Drinking actually does more harm than good, and aggravates existing symptoms. Schizoaffective is hard to deal with off meds, or on meds anyway. I consider myself lucky to be well in the present.
The surgeon said that it is one night in the hospital, and it is a quick fix. Here I’ve been making myself sick, with anxiety, but it will be a very easy surgery, with a very easy recovery. I will have to have a roommate for my recovery. But I already know who I have in mind for this, because eventually something will be worked out. I’m busy trying to keep my head above water trying to stay positive through this. Yes, it can occasionally be challenging to stay positive. But anyway, there will be two tests, the Ph one and another one I have to do in the clinic.
Well, I’m trying to get all my anxiety disorders treated since as luck would have it, my anxiety disorders are treated. Before the pandemic, I was leaving the house daily, able to go somewhere, hang out, and come back without feeling bad. What is messing with me these days is that I need to get my germophobia under control. I want to go to rehab to confront all my social anxiety. This something I’m trying to do because I want to control it, not let it run my life. Of course, my family won’t lift a finger for me, much less with their own rehab.
Treatment for PTSD is easier than one might think, although this illness has a lot of components related to anxiety disorders. Sure, I get the flashbacks a lot but they do not cause me radical dysfunction like other people have. Lately I’ve come to realize that my OCD is in better shape than it was when the pandemic started. It is difficult to navigate PTSD, and anxiety during this crisis but I am trying. Six in ten men and five and ten women will face a trauma as messed up to cause PTSD in the long run. PTSD is common among those who have faced military service, and direct combat.
One symptom of PTSD is to have very intense memories of the event, also known as a flashback, which means you relive an event. Getting nightmares may be seen as a literal remembrance of the original trauma. Memories trigger a panic attack, because PTSD folks are quick to anger, easily frustrated, give up easily also, feel fear and anticipate worst-case outcomes. Their mood swings of negative emotions are frequent because stress causes trauma, along with hypervigilance. I have been so stressed this May from flashback mode, that I was anxious the whole month since this crap only gets better in June.
I’ve had symptoms of PTSD for more than a month, for like three years since my family moved to Spain. PTSD can cause impaired function but I already had a messed up, stiff knee to navigate. I have a history of mental illness, and not only a history of MI but I have a history of not having much support after the trauma. I need to rebuild my support system. I’ve had to deal with physical, emotional and sexual victimization since childhood, by those who shall remain nameless but I know I’ve had a long history of being abused.
In college, I was busy indulging in a history of substance abuse, or alcohol and marijuana use. My roommate at some point offered to smoke me out, and I was like, no thanks, that’s for me and the Ex to do since I didn’t know how marijuana would make me react and I didn’t want to do anything stupid while under the influence. I have anxiety and I have schizoaffective, as well as OCD. But let us make one thing clear, I do not have borderline personality. I have tried CBT, Cognitive Behavioral therapy, and want to try EMDR. Bridges to Recovery could very well change my life, and reverse my symptoms.
If Bridges to Recovery is a way I can recover from bipolar disorder, not that I have symptoms of it anymore, but I’m thrilled they treat everything I’m dealing with. I have worked on stabilizing my mood for a long time, because I have done most of it myself with the help of the occasional therapist. I am not manic anymore, although May was a hard month for me because of my PTSD, which caused me feeling my body having flashbacks to what it felt like to have untreated Type 1 diabetes. I was really sick at that time, nobody knew I needed insulin also. I was stuck in a bad situation until I lapsed into diabetic coma at the end of May 1991. I am medically fragile, because I’m trying to keep my head above water.
You guys already know that I am anxious person with severe anxiety problems due to schizoaffective, anxiety that I need treated by an actual therapist. My anxiety is something that is pervasive in nature, only because it permeates my entire existence. Today I’m writing about money anxiety since having money sets off this form of anxiety. I live with self-limiting beliefs about generating extra income. My knee injury is probably making it difficult to focus on much.
Yes, it has been painful to have but I was trying to be a copywriter from 2017-December 2019. I’m not a compulsive spender but a compulsive saver, who doesn’t always like spending money. I do not feel it is wise to borrow from friends, but only because I will pay them back. I truly do not feel entitled to my money despite knowing I am, and I have many ridiculous money fears. Sometimes I have worked for free, because I’m an undercharger. There is such thing as a group called Underearners Anonymous that someone told me about a long time ago. I do not necessarily hoard. I don’t have an attachment to possessions, necessarily, but I try to keep impulsive spending to a minimum, being careful of how many books I spend money on.
Necessary literature is necessary, and I haven’t overcrowded the other bedroom in this house with my expenses. I’m working on reigning in my manic spending. I do not have a partner to lie about my spending too but at the same time, I will lie to friends I guess. I only have one credit cad so in the end, I feel I have good financial habits. I’m working on them. I guess I would like a financial therapist to help me wrap my brain around money better.
https://www.spaceshipinvest.com.au/learn/what-is-money-anxiety-disorder/
Research on success phobia, and stress, says that fear of success is an actual phobia. I found an actual reference to fear of success, called Achievemephobia. https://www.fearof.net/fear-of-success-phobia-achievemephobia/ I recognize myself of fearing success. I fear it, and I avoid it. But then again my family fears me succeeding at anything, so if I do succeed I’m afraid of them falling apart due to not taking medication at all. This article calls fear of success an actual phobia. The article even mentions that some CEOs having a fear of success.
I fear: being unable to handle what I want, so I have a history of underachievement, since that feels comfortable for me. I’m a shy person who is prone to extroversion when manic, so I have to avoid getting manic or overly enthusiastic around people who may trigger me into saying too much about stuff I need to keep secret. My parents pressured me to study a lot though, to study in excess, which is why I am trying not to overwork myself in the present. I have heard people tell me I will not succeed, which lends itself nicely to my fear of success.
My fear of success is something I can ride out though, without spending on eBay when I don’t need to. Success will not drive me to suicide, since I know how to get my head out of my ass on my own. I wouldn’t live by myself without knowing how to do this. I need some hypnotherapy to get over my fear of success. But see, this fear of success is ridiculous sounding though, and I know how it sounds to you, reader. I have to beat this fear in order to get anywhere in my life, period, that is the bottom line.
This was my first job, first, and second, I won a huge contest for the entire team. My mother was super-angry while I was pitching to her. But it turns out my order won the whole contest. I freaked out and cried. This is why I fear success actually, because meteoric anything makes me just flip out. It’s why I try to reign in my need for success. I try to keep it under wraps. I have to be careful with how much success I experience on a regular basis. I try to make sure I’m gentle with myself because I’m easily thrown off balance sometimes. Sudden success for me would mean that I would put myself in mental health rehab with Bridges to Recovery so I can deal with my mental health better.
iriavp 