Why I have Trouble Asking For Help

I went to physical therapy today. In light of this morning’s incident with a homeless person demanding I buy her coffee, I did brandish my cane at her while threatening her with being hit, which made her back down completely. I’m still chuckling at this as I managed to intimidate the shit out of her. I hid in the store for a while and decided to catch the 522, and the driver didn’t know shit about his route as he was new to it. Lols.

Anyway though, I have a serious issue asking for help. I try to be a tough bitch and maintain a veneer of lethality about me. But really, I have immense problems asking for help. Crowds scare me to death. I get paranoid in large crowds because of past-life executions in front of crowds. Whole communities would turn on me in my past life and execute me. My present life mother was constantly trying to kill me. This is what has leaked through to the present lifetime, I can’t be direct about this but yeah, well, this stuff just bleeds into the present. You could say my whole family has past life karma going on. I can deal with life on my own, without really needing to bend someone’s ear about it these days, as I’m not as needy as I was when I was younger since I finally got myself a decent antipsychotic and mood stabilizer.

Part of breaking away from the karmic cycle involves standing up for yourself. I have trouble asking for help when I need it because I can handle most things on my own so well. I keep to myself a lot. I rarely reach out to people. I’m hardly needy. This morning didn’t upset me, it made me smile because I was prepared to hit the homeless person if she got out of line. She backed down when I said you “are a fucking coward.” Lol. I mean I can’t stand having to call people up to talk about what is going on in my life. Without my family, I can just shut that out and function better. But then again they are coming back. The last thing I need is drama. I envision not having much money still to get away in November, so I’m kind of stuck. But hey, I have a study Monday, which makes me extra money.