I use 7cups.com as online therapy. It is $150 a month, but worth every penny. I enrolled in therapy only because I felt I needed it. This is why I want to make real money. I want to end my low-income lifestyle. I’m doing online therapy only because I feel I need it really bad. It is a great resource to use, that is working for me. Therapy is always useful in particular when I have goals. I want to improve myself, unlike some people, and only because I feel the need to work on myself but not to be the Mule for my mother and do her work for her. No, I’m done being the family Mule. I refuse to do their work for them, this is my bottom-line.
I am. By confronting it, since I’m haunted by this basic feeling of inadequacy around other people. I do not want to fall into a codependent relationship only because I’ve been in one, being the supply of encouragement, energy, and tolerance of addiction. Dominant personalities run the life of a codependent person, who puts up with domineering behavior, and this is the way I was with my ex boyfriend, and an ex friend in general. Enabling is an unhealthy way to exist, that I have learned not to exist with in living on my own for the last four years.
I have learned that I only have myself to rely on for making decisions, about relationships, to identify what it is I feel, and to learn to trust myself. If anything I have learned to trust myself, since that is better than subjecting yourself to chronic self-doubt. I’m working on my self-esteem, because I have fears of abandonment, and an occasional all-encompassing need for approval. I do not need to lose myself in relationships, nor do I need to take responsibility for the behavior of others. I dumped the Ex for a reason. My family refuses to seek treatment for mental illness and substance abuse, and I want to avoid them, so I’m not codependently watching out for them all the time.
https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/do-you-have-a-codependent-personality.aspx
I got emails back from this one life coaching company, which does brighten my mood somewhat. I’m trying to make sure that I send out any number of job applications, since I want to help people without being codependent on that aspect of helping people. My job search is something that really matters to me, that I may have made a dent in recent days, but I am also looking for writing internships as my psychiatrist feels those are easy to get. But anyway, yes, I’m a busy bee, waking up at 4:00 a.m. this morning, which is easier than waking up at 2:00 a.m., with an urge to write that got done in the morning yesterday.
I’m starting a non-profit to help chronically ill and disabled people get away from abusive families by making enough money to break away from them. This organization wants to help people get on or off SSI, so that they can take care of themselves. SSI pisses off controlling parents because the individual gets money out of it. I had to pay into mine myself though from working, its not necessarily free money. SSI people are not all lazy but some of them can be. You get off SSI when you find a steady source of income that you can keep around, consistently. Income is not that hard to find but right now with tough economic times it might be. I heard back from this one job application that might prove useful in finding a job. We’ll see.
Some people have accused me of being on too many medications. Buspar is an anti-anxiety and antipanic medication that I’m grateful I’m not allergic to, some could be. I repeat, it is not, not an antipsychotic. At that point, my medications are none of people’s business. Yes, Geodon is an antipsychotic, which I need, so is Lamictal, and eschitalopram, which keeps my OCD under control. Buspar serves its purpose, along with potatoes, to act on the central nervous system. I’m on just the right mix of medication. I am stable, as stable as it gets, and nobody can contradict that. I take my medication on my own, and I live on my own. I do not have panic attacks or anxiety attacks anymore. I’m doing really well otherwise.
You lose, I don’t care about winning because I’m not narcissist, and I refuse to engage. I do not like fighting, I do not want to fight, and fighting is a useless exercise. Fighting is so pointless. Yet you people who want to fight with me want one. I’m sorry but did it ever occur to you that you shouldn’t fight with someone run down, ill, stressed, and injured like me? Judging me unfairly is a huge trigger for stress since I go straight to “it must be my fault,” codependency, and codependency is defined as taking abuse. For those of us alive at this time, feeling the pulsating energy of life on this planet, and life in the universe at large, codependency is something we work on. So yes, I will not tolerate fight-picking bullshit from anybody, not if you want to visit me in the house.
I do not need to fight ever, so I wonder why people want to fight with me in order to make the fight they pick, my fault if I react. Narcissists do this for their jollies. They enjoy getting their ya-yas this way. Hey narcissists, get a clue, I do not want to fight, as I’m fragile right now, and will be fragile long after surgery on Mr. Hernia is done. Because, yes, I need surgery, that’s right I do. But since nobody reads this blog from my ancestral homelands, I’m sure nobody will know that it is one night in the hospital. I’m trying to keep this stuff secret from certain people who will either gossip about it or freak out. Nobody is going to know where I’m getting it done, or when on top of that.
iriavp 