I’ve learned how not to be pissed off at diabetes. I mean, I was wondering why I was triggered by high blood sugar all the time, to be very pissed off at all of it until metal bends. My rage is a huge trigger, but then I realized, was it my rage at all? I realized it was somebody else’s emotions, not mine. I realized that rage was being sent to me. So I learned a deflector shield from the instruction manual. I learned how to blow it off since I’m realizing I have confronted all my feelings about diabetes, even if it is plenty frustration to have it.
Yesterday, my diabetes educator told me that all I need to do is the overnight basal rate test, and that my goal should be an average of 150. Well, I’m picky, and I like 145 mg/dl the most so my average can be a 6.5%. I just want to feel good, damn it. My fingers look like hell sometimes. I mean sure I get mad as hell and scared to death at high blood sugar, but the thing is, I have learned to have more compassion for myself. Seriously, I have way too much of that for other people, but not for me.
My future boyfriend could be quite a few people. But I foresee a Native American who will come into my life, who divides his time between Los Angeles and San Jose, CA. The thing is, nobody will have to deal with my family, ever. The future boyfriend lives in my neighborhood, maybe. I might meet him through mutual friends. The future husband is someone I will meet in Los Angeles. He’s asexual, and I will simply find that my future relationships will not be as codependent and odd as my last relationship. Right now, the very term relationship makes me feel triggered, pissed off, and enraged, so this is why I’m avoiding, as well as being picky. I’m looking directly at red flags. I’m eventually going to meet the son of a friend of mine, so that’s a chaperoned date, and in general, I feel like chaperoning my dates in the future. But with Mr. Hernia, I feel run down. I’m simply not in a good headspace to date.
I have determined that chocolate winds me up even if mild. I made the mistake of having chocolate night before last, at 9 p.m. because I was low, like 49 mg/dl. That low made sure to wipe me out the next day. When I stand up for myself around my family, I’m “rude,” well, hun, I’m going to do that anyway regardless of the risk you put me through to do so. I’m convinced nobody family reads this blog because I never get hits from Chile or Spain, as the truth is weirder than stuff you’ve been told. But anyway, I’m pretty much trying to keep myself stable. I got enough sleep last night, so I’m feeling better. I need to repair my energy field from “Yikes, there are so many psychics in one spot.”
My energy gets dark sometimes when I’m over shadowed by other people’s mental health symptoms. Not everybody can be healed by me, okay? I haven’t taken more classes. In high school, I was convinced that people were sending me negative thoughts about me deliberately because somebody knew what I could do. This could have been paranoia though since I wasn’t on medication at the time. I can feel people’s energy, and I feel assaulted when people have negativity towards me whether a friend or someone else. This is why I’m temporarily evacuating when my family comes back.
I should have listened to my instinct to use two units the night before last. But do I listen to the wisdom that pops into my head? No because I take three units, and I am low from 61 to 58 and then I go back up to 158. Just wow. The way psychometry works you think something that pops into your head when you touch an object. The way intuition works in general, the first thing you think of uncensored is usually correct. This is also a great way to pass tests in school. The first answer is probably the right one. So in which case, listen to your instincts, readers. I failed to do that and wound up having a low that wiped me out.
Having a mental illness is not something anybody can help. To the teens on the light rail yesterday morning at 8:00 a.m. Baypoint Blue line, I just want to tell you not to aggravate me if you ever see me again. I felt like I was seriously going to do something stupid. I’m really stressed right now because of my finances, my credit card bill, and not having enough income. I’m trying to find a job but that process is also stuck. I feel trapped in my living situation with no way out any time soon, as most of my life, I have felt trapped by living at home with my family because that is cheaper. I do not have a steady source of income on top of that. Excuse me for being anxious on a crowded light rail, and being in a lot of pain. I’m done being kicked while I am down. This is something my mother loves doing to me. Why does the world have to do that? A psychic curse lodged in my energy field that says “Kick me,” that’s what. But anyway, I saw to it that you got a taste of your own medicine.
Bullies need a taste of their own medicine. Sometimes a gaslighter needs to be gaslit in order to know what it feels like. You are not being mean by doing this. If anything, you are protecting yourself. This is why I’m hospitalizing myself rather than dealing with constant triggering behavior at home. For some reason, some people never get the hint that talking about my health problems exclusively to other people will not please me. I talk about other things to people besides my health problems. My mean set of roommates in Fall 2004, got a huge earful of mean things since they were being mean to me. Mean people forfeit their right to kindness. Asking certain people for advice about my diabetes is futile and an exercise in accepting advice for the functionally stupid who can’t seem to get the “no fighting” rule through their heads. So in which case, I bow out of my family situation for their current trip. I escape, I put myself in safe places, and I avoid conflict.
Abusers in general do not like themselves. They abuse only because they feel bad about who they are. Someone who has been abused, does take it out on people. They dish it, they take it. Some people actually makes themselves the victim even if they are the victimizer, although not everybody who does this is narcissistic. They dish it out but cannot take it. Taking something out on someone else more vulnerable is not nice to do to someone. I was like that to my classmates at times growing up. But then it takes effort to contain the toxins abusive behavior can bring about in your body. So that’s why those of us who strive to behave like a normal person avoid abusive people.
Zoe Lofgren has my vote for the House of Representatives as a Democrat, although I’m looking to re-register myself as an independent. She got herself a Bachelor’ s Degree in political science, and then a Law Degree from Santa Clara University, graduating in 1975, and just reading this stuff is making me twitchy about my job situation stuckness, it feels like my career is stalled and in limbo. She was serving Congressman Don Edward’s staff, for eight years, in his San Jose and Washington DC offices. She was teaching and practicing immigration law, while then subsequently being elected to the San Jose Evergreen Community College Board in 1979. Zoe Lofgren is about immigration reform, but as a lawyer she worked on patents, copyrights, digital rights, and Internet neutrality. Yeah, I pretty much wish I had a similar background, as my BA is in Creative Writing with holistic health segment III and some journalism/cinema classes in between.
iriavp 