My medical records, truth & lies, what I’m actually dealing with versus what is not true, as in, that heart condition that went away? Talking to a cardiologist about this is necessary.
I was born with Patent Ductus Arteriosus because of my genetic disability that causes pediatric schizophrenia. PDA is a problem that occurred to me, after birth. The situation was felt to have cleared up after 2 to 3 years of age. The ductus arteriosis is left open instead of closing when a baby is born. PDA is a common disorder in the United States but see, I have a heart murmur, which is not serious. It means to take an antibiotic for dental work. Every other situation with my heart wiring is normal.
My medical records from December 22nd, 1995, states that there was “no evidence of coexisting heart disease.” This means that I’m off the hook since I do not have to limit my activities often enough, although right now I do because of my knee problems. I can’t do much. You see, I’m doing well with my type 1 diabetes, so in which case, I’m off the hook. I haven’t had a cold since they fixed the leaky pipes in this condo.
That was, I forget when but the noise was driving me to bonkers and back so I put in ear-plugs to cope with the noise. I’m doing okay now but the sink was left with a pipe unplugged so it has a leak in it. The pipe needs to be shoved back in. But well, there is dawdling from Ferenginar. There you guys have it, my heart condition is a non-issue anymore. I mean I have a murmur but that’s about it. Otherwise, I have a normally formed heart, with no problems. My medical records, btw, also call me “mature” at 14-years old, which destroys the assumption that I’m “immature” for my age. I was never immature, period. I hope this blog post has sorted out the truth fro the lies. I still need antibiotics before dental work.
Modern wedding traditions are so stupid. A ring is not necessary half the time. Many people don’t bother waiting until marriage to have sex. This bothers me as sometimes, I feel like I want to be married since I was raised Catholic although I became pagan in my adult life. Modern weddings are interesting in that people drink way too much alcohol so I’d rather have mine be dry should it come to pass. Basically, I have been brainwashed into believing that I won’t bother with marriage. I feel a ring is silly. Why should that signify commitment? A ring is a ridiculous way of proposing along with any kind of other jewelry.
Rings are silly anyway, in my mind. I find rings to be a distraction. I need a small one that fits on my very slender finger. My fingers are designed for typing, not wearing rings. I wouldn’t wear mine every day anyway, just for specific situations. Proposing with a ring is a huge American and Western cultural tradition. I’m not into jewelry because I’m gender non-binary, gender non-conforming, and androgynous as I do not want to be called a female, my pronouns are they/their.
Gender rules mean that women have to adhere to certain guidelines in their family of origin. My chosen family, however, takes me as I am and by this, I mean people in the pagan community in the Bay Area. Growing up I did nothing but wear t-shirts after school because I hated girly clothing. I got used to skirts though. In my adult life, I wear skirts and t-shirts. Gender rules for some reason, mean the man has to propose to the woman. I find this rule silly. Although I did buy myself a copy of The Rules so I can write a gender non-conforming rebuttal. Those of us who identify as gender non-conforming feel that we can break cultural rules ascribed to girls or boys.
Rings exist so that the woman feels obligated to say yes. It is highlighted in our culture everywhere you look including television shows. Novels are devoted to perpetuating the stupidity of wedding rings. Women are trained like Pavlovian dogs, to accept the wedding ring as a symbol of love. Weddings are considered the happiest day of your life but if people get drunk, it is not necessarily a happy day but a stressful and annoying one. If you do not get along with your family, you feel obligated to invite them but the thing is, don’t bother. Weddings are a brainwashing tactic because the entire culture is set up to expect one. I like the pagan way of marrying or separating using a handfasting. You mark the day but it doesn’t have to lurk in your consciousness. Vows can always be broken, and very often they are. This is why I find the concept of saying words such as vows, to be ridiculous. Is a Ph.D. really something that slows me down with getting married? Is having a smart brain really something that can stop me from getting another boyfriend? These are some of the ridiculous things I have heard. If somebody doesn’t approve of my career goals, this is a silly standard to be held up to. I’ve also heard I won’t get married because of my diabetes and other disabilities. Oh I’m sorry, if it offends you that I have more experience with boys than you do. As in, I have experience with normal people not sociopaths who cannot return your affection towards them anyway. I’m wagering I’ll meet somebody at UCLA somehow. I can date without making my disability obvious since a friend of mine didn’t notice at all until I checked my blood sugar while taking my medication. Ha. I outed myself as disabled right then. He hadn’t noticed. Much. So whomever feels I can’t have relationships because of my multiple chronic illnesses and disabilities, think again.
I need to make extra income to be able to pay for school. I want to sign up for art classes now that I’ve decided I need to paint. I’m even going so far as to try sculpture. Anything to make extra money, so yes, I have a print of the Palace of Fine Arts that I can sell.
If anybody has art selling advice, feel free to give it. I need to sell that print and eventually, my own work in abstract, animals, flowers, buildings, and aura paintings, Deities and I can paint my psychic shield how too. I can get that psychic shield book out of my head by sketching it or painting it. I don’t need a graphic designer’s help for that: I can paint it myself, as I can’t draw worth shit but I might yet be able to use pastels, acrylic, and watercolor, as is my knowledge, is not extensive. I want to buy art supplies as well. I can buy myself an easel and some canvas. I can also enroll in junior college art classes. I was missing art classes in my college years, I quit doing any kind of creative work with art or drawing although that was something I did until I finished high school.
In college, I neglected my art talent. I didn’t take many art classes since I was studying creative writing, which I can do in my sleep although, in junior college, I could have gotten better grades. This is why I need my transcript, to see where I can improve, and what classes I need to retake. I really need an art class too. I just looked at De Anza offerings. They have a huge program available. I mean the art bug has bitten me since I realize I may have talent while looking at my old work from high school. I’m in need of art supplies so I can take donations if possible.
I am looking for an easel, which I’m going to do a Craigslist search for. But eBay yielded more results than Craigslist. So, I prefer eBay by now. I can find better deals too. I do not have to go far north for an easel, I can find it on eBay. I can search eBay for somebody part-time, as I can find stuff on it in my sleep. Art can make real money. I’m looking to sell a piece of the Palace of Fine Arts. It is hanging in my room, but it is worth $300. I suppose I will take a picture and post it eventually. Otherwise, I’m feeling okay and doing well.
If somebody has a personality disorder, they need therapy to overcome it. Therapy and self-help books do help a lot. These books are what I have used to beat my own personality issues as a possible avoidant at one point in college. I also read about paranoid personality since back then I had trouble actually trusting people. Histrionic people exaggerate and act in a theatrical manner designed to get attention from other people. In fact, I’d almost say that I stay away from them. Or at the very least I try to. They make me nuts because they are exhausting to deal with. Just like dealing with a narcissist who has histrionic and borderline in one person.
This makes me crazy. This definition is something I have to avoid. I cannot be around people with personality disorders. They do not take change well. They stress me out. I’m not going to be pushed around by them. These are people who are troublemakers and bullies sometimes. Not so much avoidants like me. I’m not a borderline but an avoidant instead. Personality disorders are learned behaviors. They can be unlearned through therapy. At State, I had a therapist in school.
She helped me figure out how to trust people again. My roommates were busy screaming at me all the time. As a domestic violence survivor, this was very triggering. I stay away from people with personality disorders. Looking back, the worst roommate may have been histrionic because her fights with me consisted of her screaming at me. I have to stay away from this person the rest of my life. I’m even more terrified of Los Angeles than usual because she lives there. I’m going to have to stay away from her somehow. I’m doing okay otherwise, and I’m surviving daily. My C-PTSD flashbacks aren’t so bad.
Lamictal is a great medication. It works. I’m feeling a bit better. I like it. Lamictal has calmed me down to the point where I can park in the garage just fine without fear. I’m still anxious at times but that is because I haven’t untrained myself on how to live without anxiety. I guess I make myself paranoid sometimes. I’m in need of a real Ph.D. therapist to help me deal with my anxiety better as well as my OCD. But yes, with what money. How do I make money to pay up? Getting enough sleep paves the way to make more money.
I’m trying to sleep at night. I succeeded at sleeping in until 7:30 yesterday. I took my personal branding class and learned a lot about workplace behavior. As in, don’t talk to people too much because that means you are wasting time. Lamictal really does make me feel better though. So I am less likely to talk a lot because I take my medication. Those who talk a lot have mania. They don’t know how to shut up like certain Ferengi who talk politics with people non-stop. He doesn’t know to shut up.
I try to avoid parties with my parents in it, that’s for sure. Lamictal is such a great medication, I do no need too much caffeine since I do not feel tired although I may dose myself just to get extra energy. By all rights, I’m doing fine. I finished my class. I have to wait until Advanced Accounting and Bookkeeping comes around again. I also need to take Powerpoint Advanced. I’m still without a job and I can’t work farther away than San Jose because commuting would just be plain bad for my health as it is bad for everybody else. Most people are just high on caffeine all the time, too high to notice how shitty they feel when they get to the office. They dose themselves in the afternoon too since full time workers need that extra pick me up. This is why I want to work part-time not full time. I need something easy even if it is food service. I’m fed up with my joblessness as well as I my “I can’t work” brainwashing. Oh yes, the Ferengi brainwashed me pretty good. I’m trying to put this shit on ignore but every application I send I feel, oh I suck, nobody’s going to hire me. Sure. Right. WTF? I’m done feeling this way. I want to feel good about my work prospects.
My voices get loud sometimes when I need one more medication. Medication always works, which is why I’m calling myself the Medication Nazi from now until I enroll in an M.D./Medical scientist program. I hear voices all the time saying bad things about me. In particular, the voice that calls me a r#t!rd. I know I’m not and never was. This was a rumor concocted by certain Ferengi. I’m freeing myself slowly from the voices. Lamictal is certainly helping. I decided to take one more medication. I felt I needed something else to soothe my constant anxiety problems.
I feel much better and more well-rested. I was having trouble last month because I was anxious from having to take the bus. The bus messed up my energy really good because I was exhausted anyway. This is why I said to my psychiatrist that I need one more medication. I am trying to work on my problems using self-help books since I don’t have a therapist but I need one, a real Ph.D., not interns. Interns are innocent and do not occasionally know stuff. In order to be an intern, you have to be enrolled in a Master’s degree program.
I’m not enrolled in anything except Greyschool.com right now, which I need to finish. I’m close to finishing my psychic arts degree, which many metaphysical shops would look at as a reason to hire me as a Tarot reader. My voices keep telling me I will fail. They take on the sound of the Ferengi’s voices. I mean I hear, I will fail no matter what. This is why I try to give my voices to the Goddess so I don’t take their shit seriously. I take my medication daily which puts them to a dull roar. I do need a therapist that takes sliding scale. Greyschool is a gift that keeps on giving though since I could always start over and study something else but the thing is, I have to temper that desire because I need to limit what I enroll in online for real school. My first class will be psychology 1 at Foothill, Business 10 at De Anza, and well, one in the classroom class. I need to find a part-time job that helps me make money, as well as get my T-shirt business off the ground.
It is no secret that on my Facebook page, my low-income status is royally bothering me. I mean, I’m hot and bothered. I need to write vent emails. I’m frustrated. I’m tense. I’m not bored, ever though. This is where some people want me though, people with ill will. My psychic talent of psychokinesis manifests when I’m really pissed off at something, or frustrated. I have witnessed super healings happen with this talent, the most recent being the disappearance of a gouge hole I put into my left index finger. It went down when I yelled at it to be gone. I also got ice.
I put an ice pack on the spot. I had used a lancet to remove a splinter. The lancet had to be used to do what I did. Not to gross anybody out. The splinter was successfully removed. The right side of my knuckle was inflamed. I yelled at it to go away, and took a Tylenol extra strength. Not ten minutes later, it faded. It is now a scab. I also healed myself of a boil in my month earlier this year, before Pantheacon. I got very pissed at that condition.
I got very pissed off at the situation. In general, I was livid. I was filled with rage at it. I have found that yelling at my health problems as though they were a demon invading my body is quite useful. I find myself able to yell at my health problems as though they are at fault for my misery, which they are. I get angry and I demand they leave, as this is almost a new healing technique I’m pioneering. I only woke up once tonight, which is progress since my affirmation of the day was “I demand to get a good night’s sleep for once. I demand it. You can’t say otherwise, body.” I’m just fed up with various health problems. I’m fed up with, such as diabetes related ones. I only woke up once today, which is progress with my middle of the night wake up habit. I assume sometimes, that a life or death fit brings on the bending. I’m trying to learn how to use PK on demand without anxiety or feeling like I shouldn’t do it. I am careful with how I use it though. If anything, because stress shouldn’t be a trigger.
iriavp 