The Cylon basically pissed me off for the last time. She is irresponsible, and dates men older than her who want to hurt her. This is why I’m done with her lazy bullshit. She can’t get anything done because she’s unstable. She lets people talk her out of taking her medication or at the very least, out of singing and even out of going to therapy. She can’t stand up to her parent’s constant invasion of her privacy. Or their tampering with her medication. If the Ferengi (my parents), pulled that, well, I establish consequences. I have made some of the Ferengi shake in fear.
Yes, I intimidate others to induce them to tremble like a leaf. I love making people shake when I give them shit. This will serve me well the rest of my life, even when I’m terrified of law school. You could say I’m easily scared. But then again I’m working on that. I don’t necessarily have a therapist, I have a social worker who serves as a therapist. I do not know when I see them next, however, because I’m wondering when I’m going to have the time. I will attempt to make myself go to see them when I find the time.
I’m trying to make something of myself by going to Work 2 Future classes. I’m doing everything I can to do well with those. I did blow off accounting and bookkeeping because I was feeling overwhelmed. The first time in my life I dropped everything, happened the last time I was at work 2 future. I have to drop stuff sometimes when I feel overwhelmed. I know how overload feels like now. I’m fed up with people who do not take good care of themselves since I’m the only one responsible for myself now. If I fuck up, there are extreme consequences, as in, not feeling well. Depression is not fun, having suicidal thoughts is not fun either. We responsible folk take our medication but others who are not such do not take their meds. I’m livid at the Cylon for fucking up one too many times. How irresponsible. Admit it, you can’t take responsibility, so I dumped you, the end.
There is such thing as beating your PD with lots of therapy and introspective work. Some of you have done this. I had to let go of an old friend who was probably both borderline/bipolar. The Ferengi is like that. I have to stay away from people with the combination. Accusing me of being the borderline doesn’t necessarily help your situation. I have had to let go of friends who I feel have this diagnosis, such as the Ferengi (a female). I am already in fact, to make my money and take myself on a real vacation.
As in, get away from home. Where, I do not know yet, but I have to concretely plan it. I have to figure out how to take the bus or the train to get to where I’m going. All I know is I want to be far away from the swindling Ferengi who have a Munchausen by Proxy diagnosis. So yes, I’m by far motivate to make money, extra income, publishing essays, writing books, and publishing books. Each week, I move up higher in the Tor.com queue. I inch my way to success. I’m definitely financially frustrated. My knee is less frustrating though. I have to wait around for it to heal some more since it is inching its way to better. My conscious mind gets in the way of it bending though. Yesterday was an outright bad knee day. Today I didn’t walk around much.
I’m wondering what to do with myself for the rest of the afternoon. Write more? Nope. I decided to take the day off from Vocal Media today. It is my 27-year anniversary from being diagnosed type 1 diabetic. I have been on insulin that long. I want real answers from Palo Alto Medical Foundation since I have no idea what really happened. I have no clue what was written into my medical record, if I have one. All I know is, I would have benefited from medications designed for pediatric schizophrenia. I didn’t get meds until I was 20. Do the math on this? She had them all convinced I didn’t need medication. I mean some of my doctors were outright brainwashed. Wait until I write that book on psychic attack/brainwashing. I will help others build defenses against brainwashing
Some people with personality disorders do not even see they have one. They don’t bother with therapy. They feel they are fine. And yet their behavior speaks volumes. Somebody with histrionic always needs to be the center of attention. Others somehow need to hate somebody all of sudden, as is the case with borderline. Still others, narcissistic types anyway, want to throw people around them under the bus and often times charming their way out of responsibility. People who are toxic, continue to be toxic, this is why it is important to dump toxic people out of your life. I did this to somebody who always needed attention.
My current set of friends are busy doing other things, and are much healthier for me than I ever thought possible. My coven gives me shit when shit is necessary, they don’t let me get a big head. I wish I could pay for therapy, so it would be nice if this blog made significant income. My copywriting is keeping me afloat here. I need therapy to undo my low self-esteem for example. Therapy is good for that. But no, there is no extra income to come for that. They want me to give up and go crawling back to them in Europe. But that won’t happen. I’m not going to give up so easily. Therapy is something I need, although I guess I could call the crisis line. I realize I do talk over people, I need to slow down a bit and listen more. I have to work on this habit. The Ferengi don’t listen to me because of their significant impairments caused by not taking medication. Joy, I need to make money and escape. That is plain what I’m going to do since I don’t want to be around people with problems who do not believe in therapy. I did log into the website for this one gig teaching English online. Money will come. It has quite flowed this month due to a book I bought on prosperity. I guess I need to fill my head with more books on that subject.
The Ferengi are an unstable borderline with other personality disorders. I feel that I’m able to tell which of my friends do not give me borderline style problems. You guys are the treated ones. Dealing with one Ferengi, in particular, gives me problems since they have borderline. Their borderline makes me crazy. I have to dump borderline/bipolar people who do not necessarily act stable. If they have OCD in particular, then I’m glad they dumped me.
Borderlines are very unstable. I get scared around them. These people have mood swings. They also have neediness issues. They blame you for stuff. I mean this is me looking back on the Ferengi’s actions. I think that I read a bunch of books on borderline to better deal with her nonsense. It was one minute she likes me, the next minute, she hates me because I go from admiration, and pedestal to “you suck, I hate the fact you are my kid.” I will read more borderline books in the years to come. Borderline is a learned behavior, from my limited understanding. I’m confused. But anyway, yes, I have read books on it. They fear abandonment apparently. People can overcome this personality issue though. It takes work in therapy but no some Ferengi don’t want to do that, I’m cryptic for a reason. I appreciate stable borderlines that do not get paranoid. There is such thing as being a stable bipolar as well, and I feel like I know those friends too. I have to stay away from unstable people who make me care too much. I don’t want anybody to trigger my codependency.
You see, I have revenge fantasies but the content is something I work at repressing. As in, the best revenge I could have is to take my medication consistently and be super-responsible. Skipping medication is not an act of rebellion or revenge in my mind, as taking my medication is more important than this. I make sure certain people do not have the mileage to say I’m unstable. When picked on, I feel a livid rage since me being stable as long as I have is not good enough. No, it is not good enough until I pay up the condo to my family. Then I have to pay the HOA fee and my own insurance that I have to pay up for. I need a PPO. The best revenge fantasy is to stay stable, be happy, and write a lot since I have a condo of my own to write in. The ultimate revenge is to make money: enough money to take care of myself. I’m competent to take my medication but some people aren’t. I’m pretty livid at stuff in my past, being a bullying victim.
Many things done to me in my childhood could have been preventable. In particular, the whole throw-a-softball to land on my eye bit in 8th grade. That caused eye damage at some point although I’m not sure it is still there. I mean I need to make the bullies pay up. It could be seed money for my businesses if they choose to do so. I’m doing quite well all things considered. Sometimes karma doesn’t kick somebody’s ass. My whole life, I do not see karma as a valid method of feeling better about people who have done you wrong. Some trauma will be what us trauma victims live with the rest of our lives.
10) Using a voodoo doll, a witchcraft practice that involves sticking pins and other sharp objects, and making a doll in the likeness of somebody. Many pagans are doing this on their own time to bring him down. Believe me, this will eventually happen.
9) Witchcraft practices in general, cursing, binding, etc. Some of this stuff works but my coven is talking me out of cursing so there are things such as protection spells that are not necessarily a curse.
8) Divorcing while in office. Now that will cause a meltdown. This may be a last resort.
7) Setting boundaries, which you already do and this is hard to do with somebody who has a personality disorder. Believe me, I know.
6) More white pantsuits – that’s a good move.
5) Having higher approval ratings.
4) Continue being the most likeable Trump.
3) Frown in disapproval more often since narcissists really like approval but do things to take it away like be self-centered, wanting to be the center of attention. Narcissists need to be the center of attention all the time. Sheesh. I mean it gets exhausting to have to pander to that. They expect a lot of pandering.
2) Be better at diplomacy. Because you are, and well, he isn’t. You have the higher approval rating.
1) Have your own career interests since you already do.
The answer is by talking to people. I used to be quite shy and unapproachable in my earliest days of college. But slowly, meds made me more extroverted in the right way as opposed to extroverted in a manic way. Now I’m able to talk to people around me without feeling paranoid. I used to worry they would think ill of me or think less of me because of my disability. I just got done asking for a prescription for Lamictal because I feel it takes care of crowd paranoia.
I get paranoid around other people a lot. I feel overwhelmed. My biggest fear that I do not have the right to be in my current body as an incarnated person in this lifetime. This fear comes from the fact that I was in a hurry to incarnate when I did find this body I’m in now. I’m pretty much a walk-in of sorts, or wanderer. I need some help figuring out what I am. I got very good at talking to people in college, and it depends on whether or not I’m having a good day or a bad day. There is a difference between talking to people in an overbearing manner and imposing yourself on them or talking to people in a friendly way that means you are seeing them as an equal.
I get paranoid in large crowds because of all the past-life mob violence I endured. I mean sometimes I feel like my schizophrenia bothers me because I hear voices saying mean things to me. I have been bullied enough so that I’ve internalized all the voices, including the ones that sound like my parents which I keep carefully buried. I’m sure that many of my readers who are schizophrenic, understand what this is about. I listen to music at home to drown it out. I’m trying to work on my body dysmorphic disorder as well as coming up with a better self-image than I do have now. I’m doing all right all things considered.
We Americans have a long tradition of protesting. The foundation of our countries’ history is all about protesting. We are all about protesting when we are failed. Sometimes protesting is dangerous though. It can get us into trouble with The Man. Our protesting rights have always existed since the days of the Founding Fathers as we were established to make sure that everybody could practice their freedom of religion safely. Protesting is our civil right. Going to marches is something everybody has to do at least once in their lives. Starting a revolution or a walkout is something unique to ourselves.
Not every country allows for free protests. But then when you look at Charlottesville, Virginia, where a protest went horribly wrong, this was frightening. The Neo-Nazis are emboldened along with the far right because of who is in office right now. 45 got in way too easily and everybody looked the other way. The United States has a long history of racism and discrimination despite our lip service to our freedoms besides. We love the idea of freedom and free speech but well, the question remains as to how to improve on free speech.
To start a revolution means that I will have to start writing more about this. The student survivors of school shootings who were protesting and confronting the apathy of the far right were called crisis actors when in fact they are real people. There is always somebody who will bring someone else down, in particular, if they are trying to make a difference. Making a difference is hard because right-wingers are stubborn. At midterms in 2018, we have to vote many out of office. People are more open about their racist hostility in the aftermath of the Obama administration.
Obama proved to be responsible for security clearances as such. But he needs criticism as much as the next person. Although I have been reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It is something and I want to take a class in. His biggest rule is don’t criticize other people. We Americans are free to criticize our leaders anyway we want, even Obama who by the way, was born in Hawaii for all you conspiracy nuts out there. He had a black dad and a white mother. He is biracial. He is the first biracial U.S. President for all the shit he had to deal with in office.
Electing a normal person into office was a huge step. Since Bush senior, all our presidents have been a touch narcissistic. A narcissist is a sociopath, a sociopath is a narcissist. This is why we need more non-narcissists like Kamala Harris in office. I plan on voting for her if she runs. We need to change the makeup of Congress itself. Why do you have to be 35 to run for higher office, even Congress? I have to wonder at that as I’m 37 now, and I’m able to run for office. I want to try running for district 10 in San Jose.
There needs to be a global stand on oppression and all its forms. You see, people take oppression not just in China or Russia or the Middle East, but in the United States. The poor do not demand their legal right to work or get enough money from welfare systems. Even in the Middle East, there needs to be a revolution. We have to stand up and say no more plastic pollution in our oceans, we demand a solution that the governments have to work on. We demand fleets of ships in the ocean cleaning up the pollutants. Plastic doesn’t biodegrade easily unless it is biodegradable. We have to stand up to Big Oil and Big Pharma.
This revolution is quite possible. It can start with petition drives that spread. Or maybe we need to recall certain lenient judges who do not give harsh sentences to wrong-doers like Brock Turner. China is so controlled, that nobody knows freedom even with their interpersonal rating system. Russia doesn’t actually have real elections. The Middle East has problems. Everybody has to get together and stand up for their rights in a non-violent manner. A difference can yet be made. Many people could let up the strict women’s rights rules in Saudi Arabia.
Countries simply have different cultural customs that are not like ours. Hijab-wearing is more cultural than religious. You can hide indefinite bad hair days inside that scarf. Not everybody lives in as much freedom as the United State. They monitor us by credit card, cash, by phone, computer, and satellite daily. The terrorist problem in the Middle East is serious. We have to make sure that it doesn’t get out of hand. The war has been raging in Iraq and Afghanistan. The whole thing is pretty bad.
Many people are too caught up in their daily work existence to think about the larger issues. All they deal with is their family and their job. Some unemployed types are activists full time though. Nobody will change the world being angry at it, however, don’t assume that your activist rage can influence somebody. Sometimes you do not want your activism to affect your job. Many times, you manage to slip into routine and you forget about what you consider to be your sacred duty, which is to change the world. Have some of you ever considered running for office?
Running for office is a way to change things, to write and pass new laws into existence. I plan on running for my District 10 in City Council sometime in the near future. While I live in San Jose, I’m going to work on running for office. I want to get my start. I don’t plan on living in Sacramento until I do more high profile things, but I want to go to school in Los Angeles. I want to study law, get an MBA, and get a Master’s in Archaeology. UCLA is probably the right school for this. But I’m terrified of Los Angeles and the energy. I’d like to be a pro bono lawyer and only being a D.A. will make me money. I want to help people who need legal advice like mentally ill people who want to get medication but don’t know how since they can’t pay for insurance and need to sign up for free medical care. Yes, I’m terrified of Los Angeles but someday I will do better with my fear of crowds.
iriavp 