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September 5, 2019

Magick and Mental Health

Now if I suggested before that a 12-year-old with untreated pediatric onset schizophrenia, should not be introduced to witchcraft under any circumstances, since that makes the person who did this to me like Q, introducing them to the Borg, I suggest that pagans with mental health problems watch their practice of magick. Magick is something you are careful with. It can burn you if you are not delicate about taking your medication. Magick can be a deadly force in this Universe with karmic consequences. Some people with intrinsic magick capability are great at manifestation because they are capable of manifesting certain things.

A whack job has to be careful with how much magick they use. It is a delicate process even for non-mentally ill people. I define my self-help writing as a magickal act, enough so that I save it in my Book Of Shadows folder on my USB drive. Hell, eating enough calories and cooking for myself is a magickal act. Taking good care of myself is my responsibility that the Gods take very seriously. Divine protection is real and works great. The second I dick around, and mess my mental health up, that is when all the Gods get pissed off at me. This is why I’m medication consistent, because I can function.

September 4, 2019

Writing Goals for the Month, will, I get them done?

I want to write plot outlines for The Land of True Blood, a novella, and the Dark Dawn trilogy’s book 1, DarkDawn. It is supposed to be a campy, science fiction novel with bizarre humor written in. I figured that I could make this intense book 150 pages and leave it at that. My fiction and poetry have bizarre blockages going because I am not able to kick negative things people have said to me about my writing out of my system. I’m trying not to overdo anything this year, one of those being working myself to death, as workaholism is a real disease. You over do things for imagined love, and social acceptance.

My Deliberate Magazine article will eventually come out about workaholism given that I need to write it still. I have like five articles left for this job. My copywriting limit is three articles a day, maybe for two weeks. I also have to write my pamphlet, about my psychic stuff. I even have business plans I want to work on as well as finish in the next few months. I’m not getting a real job from the universe until the plans are finished. My USB drive has room in it for days, months, years.

In January and February I tried to write down my goals but I was too run down from my intestinal obstruction to make any headway on what I thought were my goals. This is why writing is the first work from home job, the ultimate work from home job. I mean in 2016, I was ready to start working at a real company, but I dislocated my kneecap and fractured my tibia in one day. So anyway, yeah, I have goals now that I’m feeling well enough to pursue them. I actually wrote poetry, gasp! I have poems stuck in my head that need to come out. As far as my copywriting goals, I want to make $200 in two weeks, with three articles a day.

I’ve decided not to cash out this Friday since it was the holiday weekend that slowed down the autoresponder. But anyway, yes, I’m okay financially this month because I saved money last month. I even wrote a spreadsheet as well as a Word file that I managed to calculate my potential income from unconventional income sources such as publishing my books, and stories. I think I have the stamina to write a lot this month if I don’t do any violent sports, which I can’t do because of my knee injury anyway. That happened for a reason, so I don’t break a wrist, arm, or finger. That would mess up my writing career real good. But anyway, my knee is better so I can get a job in food service, as a baker, or as a line cook.

September 3, 2019

How Empathy Works and Why

We are not talking about the conventional explanation for empathy, which is mirroring people’s emotions back to them. You will find this in a basic psychology textbook, so we aren’t getting into it. Empathy as a psychic talent on the other hand involves feeling other people’s emotions way too deeply. You know what is going on with them before they open their mouths. You can tell them verbatim what they are feeling. If you are a telempath, you hear their thoughts followed by their emotions. Yes, this sort of thing makes me crazy. I feel stressed when in a crowd of people.

I also feel stressed in hospitals, in particular if I’m alone. This is why I need someone with me to go to large medical clinics. I think in San Jose, I can handle going on my own because it isn’t as crowded as say, Los Angeles. At that point, I need people to walk me to class so I don’t get paranoid, even if in San Francisco I made it to class on my own back when I went to San Francisco State where I got my creative writing B.A., my first Bachelor’s degree. Empathy is a psychic talent because you feel the other person’s feelings as if they were your own.

Imagine walking into a hospital and feeling everything going on around, that’s how I feel whenever I’m in a hospital. Hospitals overwhelm my psychic senses. This is why my doctor told me to find someone to give me a ride for the endoscopy. She insisted on my not going on my own. So I found a family friend, and that was the end of that. Empathy can be confusing because you also pick up on other people’s pain, with an ability to draw the pain into your own body. It becomes your pain if you do not know the difference.

September 2, 2019

How My First Dabblings in Witchcraft Could Have Been Dangerous

Back when I was twelve, I was an untreated schizoaffective minor whose interesting bully introduced her to the concept of psychic talent magick at diabetes camp. She was worse than Q introducing the Enterprise to the Borg. I didn’t know at the time, how dangerous magick is for mentally ill people. How it can turn you manic quickly, which is why I am wary of going to my coven’s meetings until my knee gets all the way better, and I’m functioning like a normal person within my normal schedule. As a minor, I was obligated to go to church, get confirmed, and practice my parent’s religion while in their house.

I wouldn’t necessarily go away to college until I was 24, and I didn’t graduate until I was 27. Witchcraft is really a very simple practice. Magick is about harnessing your power while using it for yourself or the greater good. A constantly mentally ill minor with severe anxiety issues should not have been exposed to magick. That was a bomb I didn’t need dropped in my life. As I have learned in my twenty years of experience with leaving the Catholic Church since I turned twenty, magick is like power tools, useful for making things, dangerous to use. Candles are especially dangerous to work with so I don’t use them in my condo, at all. I’m really careful with what forms of magick I use.

Fake candles work just as well because there are many ways of representing fire. You can use lights; you do not have to use an open flame. There are many ways not to use fire for the fire element. Candles are not actually necessary. But hey, leave it to fast forwarding from age 12 to 30, I had to get my mental health treated because of my scheming family not letting me go see a psychiatrist, a proper schizophrenia-believer that is because I was allowed to see unbelievers.

Eventually I said, frak you mom and dad, and got myself good medication. In 2009, I was monumentally unstable doing caffeine after 8 p.m., also going to bed like at 2:00 a.m., waking up at 12 p.m. I was a night shift sort. These days I’m capable of getting up early but not back then. Its nice to have proper treatment since I didn’t get Lamictal until 2017 when I had decided that to put up with work 2 future, I needed one more medication. These days, I have learned I can tolerate small classroom sizes. But I need to do more than that if I’m eventually setting foot inside a real college classroom with no danger of going back to alcoholism and caffeine use.

September 1, 2019

How to Believe in Your Inner Strength

For some of us who have been severely mistreated, inner strength is at a premium. Some of us have had this profoundly destroyed. Not being on medication almost killed me a thousand times over in high school because my symptoms were continual. I’d do coffee to stay awake, and chamomile tea to put myself to sleep. There were nights I didn’t get to sleep much. I cannot survive without 8-11 hours sleep more or less, because of my 22q, my genetic disability. Sometimes, there are people who come around to try to break you.

You cannot let anybody break you. So many people tried to break me in high school by telling me how to properly destroy myself. I never once gave into any suicidal impulse. I was not allowed to take myself to the hospital either. Somehow I’ve avoided major medical emergencies. My knee injury was the most ER I’ve seen in like 28 years of type 1 diabetes, soon to be 29 years, since 1991. I had fractured my tibia and dislocated my whole kneecap in like a split second. I’m coming back from this injury though because my knee works better in the present.

I’m actually able to crouch again. I do martial arts until my health problems get worse or I injure myself. I learn but I do not have a belt at this time. Inner strength is cultivated through being on your own. Back in college, I’d sit with my energy, silently assessing what made me powerful. It was a very simple form of meditation. I was into nude witchcraft work because my room had a lock. I wish I had the energy to be cleaner, since I want to bend down but my knee is still making my rib cage hurt so I’m getting a rib X-ray on Friday.

August 31, 2019

DarkDawn Plot Outline, Beginning

I’m wondering when I’m going to find the right headspace to start a massive plot outline, which is how I start my own books anyway. I have written some novellas this year, because really, writing action exhausts me. I get paranoid from my own work. The story is being formed right now. DarkDawn is about an alien invasion that takes place inside a person’s head while she is abducted. My character is named Anna and she lives with her mother in Los Angeles. She is half white and half Mexican from her father, but she looks Mexican from her mother.

She is a friend of Esperanza, an anthropologist at the College Of Los Angeles. My DarkDawn Nanowrimo rough draft is done. I wrote that one in November years ago but I’ve forgotten when even if I just opened the file changing the date and not looking at the date I originally got it done. I start with a free write as part of my creative process this file was a part of that. My rough draft has to do more with the anthropologist not with Anna. I have to change the spelling of her name a bit. She’s a private investigator with a paranormal bent.

She studies the paranormal like Fox Mulder, who is her hero. She is not a skeptic by any means. She is a true believer, a whole-hearted believer in aliens. She is a true nerd as well. Esperanza is an anthropologist/archaeologist who works for at the College of Los Angeles. (fictional college). I had to come up with a fictional name because of what my writing teachers used to say about making sure some stuff stays fictional.

But anyway, yes, I have to work on major story background as fiction also makes money. I have to start taking my writing more seriously because it can make me significant income. Work 2 Future was a distraction from writing because I tried to work my way around my class schedule. At night I feel a gnawing guilt going, did I do enough? Hell, my knee is still injured, and I’m still trying to fix it, so like hell am I going to overdo anything to please my family in an imaginary manner.

August 31, 2019

Clairaudience

Clairaudience is exhausting for me to deal with because I really do have schizoaffective which simply means I’m both schizophrenic and bipolar, and psychic at the same time. Going to hospitals scares me to death, which is why I avoid them. My latest Cyndi Dale book on Raising Clairaudient Energy – has certain exercises in it that I need to do with a mentor. She even goes so far as to give beginner exercises in telepathy, something I’m already kind of adept at anyway. In the community, adept simply means somebody well trained who knows what they are doing. Although I have been training myself through looking up stuff online, and reading books. I also try to be objective.

Clairaudience is about sounds that may sound close to you yet far away at the same time. It has a lot to do with hearing things. I don’t mean the schizoaffective way of hearing things, but rather the clairaudient way to hear things. Clairaudient advice is really advice that sounds positive in origin, and is also useful. Schizophrenic voices are mean while at the same time doing nothing but taunting you. Schizophrenia is exhausting to deal with at times if you are also psychic. Having to filter the noise constantly, to determine where it is coming from is only helped by using medication.

August 30, 2019

August 30th, 2019

I have been overworking myself. I use my chi to stay alert instead of caffeine or chocolate but I’m effectively exhausting myself. It is just that time of year, the days are getting shorter. I’m keeping my meds high until Winter. Because of my skin infections I can’t go to the pool. But at least I can have ice cream. The art of Qi gong is about using your intake of breath three times to cultivate physical strength. According to this website,
https://www.energyarts.com/what-is-chi/

I alternate between grounded energy and weak energy. I have been waking up way too early and not getting enough deep sleep. I slept ate two days ago, getting into chocolate fudge cookies from Keebler. Chi can be used to beat illness, no doubt as I was trying to use it to combat my brain fog. Now that feeling is few and far between but I still get tired. I woke up at 6 today. My use of chi may mean the difference with getting dementia or not getting the dementia that runs in my family. Today my chi feels most unbalanced, because I feel stressed and agitated. Mental chi is something I have never heard of before, not even in my Qigong class with Dr. Chow.

In college I was not as stable as I am in the present. I realize there are many blockages in my chi today that mean I’m not focused. I woke up way too early. I know this is a chi problem. Too much chi is mania. I need to find a balance. This is the seasonal changes, which is why I’m keeping my Geodon high. I feel a touch hypomanic today despite going to bed at 7 p.m. I’ve been tired, and a touch wound up but stressed, and depressed. This is what I get for mistaking midnight for 6:00 a.m. and doing a binge on chocolate while biological family drinks at that time in Spain.

August 27, 2019

My Roaring Alchy 20s.

In my twenties, I was a functional alcoholic who got praised for my drinking everywhere I went. Like that’s a good thing? Twisted. I didn’t think it was a good thing when I quit. In fact, I quit because I saw the reality before me since my Cousin intervened. Holy hell, Alcohol makes someone like me very dysfunctional. To have both inner peace and outer peace, I kept up my codependent drinking habits. I quit drinking in 2010 and I reduced my caffeine intake in 2010. Caffeine addiction is quite real, you see, and the thing about that is not many would see they are addicts. Its on TV, our culture is saturated in coffee. Some people cannot function unless they’ve had theirs. That is a physiological addiction, which I had. Energy is praised, mania is praised, its why I had trouble staying stable. But now I’m clean of all addictions, even sugar.

August 26, 2019

The Things I Didn’t Know in My 20s

When I was in college, I didn’t know I had schizophrenia. My family made sure I didn’t have a diagnosis. I couldn’t get one because I wasn’t “allowed” to see a psychiatrist, not that they read this here blog. They don’t because they do not have an interest in my personality, only in manipulating me into feeling bad about disabilities I do not have. They only take interest if I’m their punching bag. Sad, but true. I refuse to be anybody’s punching bag anymore, which is why I dumped the Ex. I deserve better.

I wasn’t supposed to develop pluck, the ability stand up for myself, or gasp! The deadly “self-esteem”. In 2012, I managed to secure treatment thanks to a normal psychiatrist and not a schizophrenia-unbelieving sort of the kind I was allowed to see. In 2016, I started not to call an Ex friend of mine as much since there was less to rant about. Hell, I had nothing to rant about. What drew us together was not so much of a draw. I was like; still finding her deliberate not-genuine neediness was driving me crazy. I’m good at dumping toxic people. I need to screen people for toxins before I get into any sort of relationship with them. Now I find out that somebody I used to know is talking a lot of SH$# about somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Glad I dumped that toxic person. I’m much happier without my unstable rapid cycler parents around to trigger the Ex, my ex or me friend. I stay the hell away from assholes.