Geodon is an antipsychotic, at 140 mg, which has led me to get stable with my schizophrenia. Eschitalopram is generic Lexapro, this has led me to get my OCD stable. I also take buspar for my anxiety, 20 mg a day or four pills a day. Medication is nice to have because I feel good. I feel better than I ever have in my life these last two years. I’m doing fabulous. I’m grateful that I have all these tools as well as medical care in general. Yes, I want to make real income, but I have to find a job suited to me, as well as my schedule. Lamictal is at 25 mg and that helps me not only to sleep but to stay cheery.
I’m doing much better on my meds than I ever thought possible. This is only because in high school I was deprived of medication 15 years ago. I didn’t get medication until 17 years ago. I have been medication consistent ever since. I’m grateful for my medication, and I’m grateful for having health care. I’m grateful for consistent medication too. There is no greater hell on this earth than not having mental health treatment, to watch yourself behave but have part of your mind be imprisoned. I have freed myself from that prison by now.
I started drinking at 18 much to the delight of my family. I have since quit drinking. I have decided not to go to Thanksgiving because people will be drinking. Yes, I’m avoiding them. All of them. I’m protesting the fact that people aren’t on meds and that I’m not getting my law degree. I’m fed up with not having enough money to survive off of as I’m very low income on SSI. I had a doctor tell me to stay put on SSI for life while I told her not to speak to me as though she was calling me someone who would be a bum without SSI. Oh gee, hmm, didn’t need to hear that when she said it.
I have since decided to tell people what she said because I dumped her as a doctor. I found myself another doctor who is more open about me getting off of SSI. It took me way too long to quit drinking from 2002-2010, even as far back as 2001. I quit drinking booze in 2010, flat out, just quit. My family was floored, but at least I’m able to admit I have a problem, and even back then I was looking at myself although it wasn’t until 2007 that I decided to stop drinking altogether. So yes, I could have spent that time after 2007 getting a law degree but since my family refused to pay for it, I was stuck an alcoholic not doing much of relevance in those years other than writing. I have interests in business though, entrepreneurship that started to get worked on in 2012, while I was beginning my journey into sobriety. With my health problems, I shouldn’t be drinking, period. I eventually did stop.
I saw the rose garden and I saw the water park where children go before they pass. In 1991, I was 10 years old in a diabetic coma when I was dying. I was very ill from untreated type 1-diabetes. I don’t know if it was my doctor’s fault I wasn’t diagnosed or perhaps somebody was misleading them. I do not blame my doctor for this situation, because I think he tried although my diabetes wasn’t taken seriously by some people but not by my doctor at the time. I regret that certain diagnosis made people not pay attention to my pre-diabetes.
Somehow my talents helped me survive. My anxiety revolving around type-1 diabetes is what has stayed stuck in my energy field for many years. I’m still wounded from the fact that nobody cared about my situation. There was that hamburger diet. Diabetes was used as a way to control me. My NDE involved being in a room full of many Gods, and my own Catholic deities as well, who introduced me to the other Gods. I’ve been back from the dead a few times. There is something after death, you are in another dimension, a dimension of the mind. This stuff really does exist as I’ve read books on Near Death Experiences.
Diabetic coma was something that simply happened for me. I was near death and I came back from the dead when I saw my grandma who told me it wasn’t my time yet. It was hard on my family to be put through this. I manage my illnesses well because I do not want to be a burden on anybody. I try to have a life outside of my type 1-diabetes and other disabilities. You have to remember that my hypothyroidism was not treated until I was 20 by my adult endocrinologist at the time. I had to sift through many a doctor until I found my current.
Since 2006 when I passed out for the first time in my life, I have yet to pass out again. I have managed to survive 12 more years not being in school, without passing out. While I was in Chile, in 2006, the Ferengi decided to taunt me with “Take more insulin!” This phrase was repeated until I did it, which is why I passed out in the first place. I had a near death experience where every God in the universe rescued me and revived me. This is why I have to get away from the Ferengi this Thanksgiving somehow. I’m done putting up with their untreated crap. I’m asking my Facebook page if there is a way to help me escape. I found a Buddhist monastery that lets people stay for free right now. The gods have answered my prayers.
But anyway, Chilean marmalade doesn’t have that much sugar in it. You see, when I passed out, every God in the universe helped me heal myself. I was revived. Some Ferengi had the nerve to get mad at me for passing out when that’s playing blame the victim since they taunted me into taking more insulin. This is why I need to get the fuck away from them because Mom is perpetually unstable. If I get away from my family, I can keep my meds to 120 mg. If I stay put, I have to increase my meds. Damn it. I’m just plain getting away. I can’t risk being manipulated into sabotaging myself. So I’m going to hide in that monastery because I need to be safe. A friend of mine will be relieved I found something. Real people have empathy, and I feel safe around them although I find it difficult to feel safe anywhere as I’m always paranoid. But anyway, yes, I passed out and nobody thought to blame the perpetrators, as my dad is a Munchausen by proxy colluder. Okay, so I found a place to escape.
I’m going to write about this out in the open. Yes, I grew up feeling ashamed of my disability since my parents didn’t name 22q until I was 18. They threw a lot of shade at me because I had mental illness. I got picked on for every symptom, even in school. I have few pictures of me as an Internet presence except on my Linked In. I have a good picture of me on Facebook. I’m just plain insecure. I’m trying to learn how to kick that out of my system. I’ve also been learning how not to take on other’s pain by being a Mule or a Healer per Cyndi Dales’ system. I practically need to enroll as her apprentice in order to straighten myself out.
I’m done feeling shame about who I am. I’ve been picked on for my name, as well as my religion. The Ferengi still haven’t let go of how they were unable to raise me a proper Catholic. It is because I heard their criticism and disbelief often. So what was I supposed to think without solid examples of living their faith? I’m going to pretty much say that I raised myself.
I’m able to do that because I can adapt as well as retain objectivity. Something The Ferengi struggles with due to their untreated schizophrenia. Even today as I have sent back their pain to them, and taken care of my energy boundary issues, I feel like a weight has been lifted. When I sent back their pain last night, I also felt lighter like that. Some of my friends point out that I need to let go of resentment towards the Ferengi to manifest money. The Ferengi and their OCD is why they expected me to practice their religion. You see, authoritarian families are light on choices, and it was like being raised by both Franco and Pinochet at the same time. The Ferengi do not know how to adapt to changing circumstances. I’m done with the shame complex they gave me. It is time for me to be out about my psychic talent, to have affidavits signed by credible witnesses. Somebody I used to know doesn’t count due to her general instability. She is monumentally unstable and nobody’s going to believe her anyway. I’m not thrilled with people who skip their meds and try to see me.
To be blunt, I simply do not have enough malice, ire, pain, or dark thoughts to throw at somebody who hurt me. I’m not narcissistic enough to have jealousy problems. I dump toxic people when I need to dump toxic people. With regard to my family, I deal with constant crap. I have learned in the last two years, not to be friends with people who cause me more trauma and stress. Curses do not always work for me. I can protect myself with bindings but I cannot curse very well. They never truly work since my family has ways of wiggling out of responsibility. I want to write an ecourse for Udemy called “Personal Responsibility and How to Take It.” Narcissists are content to blame somebody else.
These people are high conflict. They pick fights as their means of narcissistic supply. I do not have a malicious enough heart to make my curses effective. I feel bad I cannot curse properly since I have sympathy for all but I do admire those witches who are cursing 45. That’s impressive by itself, and will contribute to his downfall I’m sure. I really truly cannot hate anybody well.
I just can’t hurt people. Sure, my roommate in 2004 was pushing me to say something really mean to her that hurt her feelings. I succeeded and she was floored. I told her it wasn’t over at all. She tried to call it even but by then I had tasted the oozing, rich, sentimental and dastardly taste of blood. I had succeeded at the impossible, hurting somebody else’s feelings. I had no idea that could feel vampirically good. Ridiculous. She was asking for it and she got it. When you use your anger to stand up for yourself righteously, then you have done something wonderful for yourself. If you leave a conflict feeling good, it means you did right by the way you resolved it or injured a party trying to injure you.
iriavp 