I tell people who try to stigmatize me to shut up. I was dealing with a bus driver, after getting my dental work that decided to think that it was funny, my schizophrenia was making me act like I was in a hurry. I had to tell her to shut up because I said it wasn’t funny, nor was my pain funny. She shut up and gave me a discount but that doesn’t stop me from writing about her misbehavior. But anyway, yes, I managed to get her to shut up. She did. Eventually. She said her friend was schizophrenic. Gee, could you have made me feel any less vulnerable and uptight?
Stigma means I have to tell new agers to shut up before they open their mouths. I mean really, there are many false beliefs out there about medications. You become addicted, you are using medication made of petroleum when if you understand basic chemistry, well there you go. Nobody wants to put up with depression or mania. People expect stability or they give you the boot. Anybody who tells you not to take your medication is a vulgar idiot who doesn’t know any better. You cannot talk yourself out of taking your meds either, because that makes you a coward.
Gaslighting is insidious in abusive relationships. It happens frequently to the point the victim can’t think straight. Some people like to blame the victim, telling the victim of gaslighting it is your fault. This happened in the 1945 movie “Gaslight” where a husband tries to make a wife crazy by telling her she’s not seeing the raising or lowering of the gaslights. Gaslighting is a huge abuse issue since the perpetrator wants the victim to feel that what happened is their fault. You have to be willing to be gaslit if the person doing it feels superior to you by warping your perceptions.
Growing up in the family that I did, I was gaslit almost daily by both of them. Gaslighting has made me doubt my own perceptions even as I decided that the envelope with my check was in the mail. I saw it in my head. I’m also dead-on when I find that the registration comes in the mail. I mean I can sense it before I open the mailbox. I almost see it in my head really. Gaslighting, however, makes you doubt your perceptions. I was always the wrong one. Why I was wrong, was a mystery to me. I wish I could trust myself in the present.
I mean gaslighting makes people anxious, as you are the wrong one in the interaction with the gaslighter. At work, this can be particularly insidious if your gaslighter is the boss. The boss tries to alter your perception of reality. This is what makes you feel funny. It is almost low-grade nausea. You do not feel sane around a person like this or having a relationship with somebody like this. I know who I can’t trust, and it is people who practice gaslighting.
I act like I’m a tough little bitch who doesn’t need support or attention. But underneath I feel like I need more friends to hang out with who aren’t goddamn Frenemies. I’m hurting inside because I fear not being good enough to make it to law school or any other advanced degrees. Just because some idiot thinks women with diabetes live to be 69 is bullshitting themselves. I met a type 1 who was already old and he then died of congestive heart failure. I made him a promise to go to law school. I did tell him that I will not give up on myself. I will find a way to get to UCLA.
When I feel shitty, I feel as if nobody gives a shit. Who cares? Nobody but then again that is what my family wants me to feel. I struggle with letting people into my dark shell because I don’t want to appear needy, depressed, or down in any way. I try to keep up the front of positivity to keep the pity idiots away from me. I have no idea if my current set of meds would help me go to school and learn math right. I had epic math failures in high school because I wasn’t treated. Had I been on something I would have been happy to study math and science. The fact is, that my mental illness went untreated. I was dependent on my family financially, which is now no longer the case but I have to make sure that my money doesn’t run out.
Lately though with my job search situation, there is doubt. I have to wonder if I’ll ever get to law school by the time I’m 40 as I’m 37. I need LSAT books but more importantly to take some law classes at the junior college level to become a paralegal. I will start with Legal Research and Writing at De Anza or other pre-reqs as I have my general ed done although I want to retake some classes online. I have a lot on my mind right now with few people who actually give a shit long enough for me to talk to them. I can stand being alone. I can stand being without people. I can live by myself. But sometimes, things get dark.
If I had art supplies, I’d start a whole industry of painting pagan symbols, symbols in general, nature, I mean I have to take drawing 1 at De Anza, granted. I color more than draw at this point. I’m busy trying to find a job right now, a work from home job because of my knee injury. I need to paint for some reason. It is yet another creative urge I have to satisfy. I can do many different paintings including landscapes, one doesn’t necessarily have to draw people. I’m willing to learn how to paint too because it just hit me recently that is a fine way to make money, painting.
My aunt was a painter, my uncle painted, and my grandma painted. I’m following a long-standing tradition in my family. The art bug has bitten me, and only because I have to satisfy my creative urges. I feel the need to paint. I can’t explain where it comes from. Painting is one way to do something with my life, eventually selling my work online. I have one good phone to use for this endeavor. Somehow though, I feel a bit down from not being able to find a good work from home job.
I was born with a heart condition called pulmonary atresia. I do not need to restrict activity because of this heart condition. I’d say when my knee is not injured, that I’m pretty athletic. From my last cardio, I have a normal pulmonary valve. I mean my heart is normal, healthy, and I still need antibiotics before dental work regardless. I have a visible cavity I need to get filled and I made an appointment for next week. I was born with pulmonary atresia that didn’t require surgery? I’m still really confused.
https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/heartdefects/pulmonaryatresia.html
My medical record states that my heart structure is normal as it comes. My heart murmur apparently disappeared. I’m doing great with my health as it is. I’m able to maintain my blood sugars. I can actually hit stuff now because I’m able to make a fist and punch. I can also use elbow strikes. This is what I get for not being in martial arts class for two years now. I was about to start working full-time when I fractured my tibia and dislocated my kneecap completely. This kneecap injury is making me crazy although using knee braces will solve the problem.
I will get my cavity filled next week as help came in the mail. I feel enormous guilt lately for feeling good. My family has issues-I should not feel guilty for feeling okay. I have no idea what that’s about. I didn’t know my heart “problem” was so normal. I mean I hardly have a murmur. I can’t stand looking at my medical record sometimes due to misinformation that my family has perpetuated. You see, I’m writing this blog to set the record straight. Narcissists lie a lot but they think lying is okay because they feel they are above the law.
UCLA is the right school for me because they have a J.D./Public Health masters degree just waiting for me to earn. I think this web page says to apply separately to the J.D. and the master’s in public health. https://ph.ucla.edu/academics/degrees/concurrent/public-health-mphlaw-jd
I have come to a decision to take some master’s level classes at San Jose State if I bother getting into the master’s program just to take those classes. I have to finish biology classes at the junior college level for one. I need to take a bunch of chemistry classes too because I survived high school physical science class by using vocabulary questions to boost my grade since the actual math stumped me.
Now that my mental health is finally stable enough to contemplate going back to school, I realize that I may yet make it if I find a job that I can work from home until my knee gets better. I need to manifest $200 to pay off the insurance company I found so I can get started with training. I have a lot to publish all the time too. I have much to write. Maybe making money won’t be that difficult?
UCLA has that law degree/public health concurrent program which I want to apply to in the next few years. I’m not even sure how to squeeze in an MBA. Or an M.S.? I’m confused as to what I want now. I know I want to do law school first, so I will take paralegal classes at De Anza, which transfer over to my J.D. I know one of those classes is Legal Research and Writing. I know I have to take the GRE and pass, and the LSAT and pass. I have been very patient with my financial situation but I’m running out of patience here. I would like money to pay for school by now.
I have a new idea for a t-shirt, which will say “I’m not suicidal,” and anybody who wears this t-shirt is tough enough to say it out loud. Even people who have anxiety and depression as the only thing they deal with could wind up in the psych ward, given their depression gets bad enough. Anxiety is terrible. There is nothing good about feeling messed up. Not having medication for many years messed me up. I see that as a deliberate action in the now, however. In the present, I can sleep very well, and I feel well rested today. But in the past, I was exhausted all day, every day. At night I couldn’t necessarily sleep because I was a caffeine junkie at 12.
I used black tea to stay awake so I could get my homework done from 6th grade on. Back then; chamomile tea was the only method of calming down that I could use. I wish I had medication as a child because I really could have used it. But no, it wasn’t in the cards. I have learned anxiety as a response to everything that I need to unlearn. It is nice not to have sweaty palms or a racing heartbeat though.
My t-shirt business is all about making people feel just a tiny bit uncomfortable when jolted into thinking for themselves about mental illness. The thing is, many people still don’t know how to talk about mental illness. They are terrified of stigma, hence my “No stigma” t-shirt idea. I need to hustle on the t-shirts because I want to make enough money to pay for school as well as buying a mansion in Los Angeles close to campus although I could start off by paying rent instead of buying it out right in the beginning. I need to live walking distance of campus. UCLA is a huge, sprawling campus; I need to find a mansion near the law school, since I want a law degree combined with a master’s in public health. So when all my t-shirts come out, please find a way to buy my t-shirt and send me to school.
I want a law degree in order to help other disabled people get jobs, deal with discrimination, or perhaps their situation of lacking treatment for their disability. I’m also interested in civil rights law, as well as mental health and the law. I want to work in law offices as a paralegal, but I also want to help people escape abusive families. I’d love being D.A. of Los Angeles someday also. Getting a law degree would also pave the way for me to become an actual politician. I would like to serve in the California State Assembly.
Helping the mentally ill as a pro bono lawyer is my heart’s desire since I can’t find anybody like that to help me. I wish I could, but I can’t. I have tried. If anybody reading this is one, I’d like referrals or help to find somebody who is pro bono as my family is coming back this year. I have been a parliamentarian in this present life with student government, where there was an atmosphere of intense bullying. Yes, somebody once said stick with appointed positions, but well, I realize I can run for office at UCLA in their student government, a class I’d enroll in too. In every school I have ever gone to, I have tried to participate in student activities and clubs.
Yes, going to UCLA is my lifelong dream. I’m interested in this school, which I wish I could go to full-time. If I can work for extra money and get off the dole, I’d be able to get stuff done. Yes, I want to buy a mansion close to UCLA so that I can fill it with starseed, pagans, and disabled people as a type of safe house for those fleeing abusive families. I’d rent a study, and a bedroom that I see being upstairs as my knee injury will have totally healed by the time I get to UCLA.
iriavp 