I may as well use my blog to slam people. Somebody might have slurred me by calling me retard-face. So this is his slam, because he was thinking that I was unattainable. Well, he’s right, he was black, and possibly ignorant about many things. So in which case, he would never succeed at getting into my pants. Ever. I say no often. My last relationship was not about saying no. Jealous fucker. Wow. I want to publish a newspaper someday where people write down who slurred them, where it was, and I think I was headed to the new building for occupational therapy. Ha! if I do the same routine, then perhaps I will see him again and try to intimidate him back. Witchcraft energy scares people. I know he was scared of that. Chicken-shit.
My psychic hearing makes me crazy. It is yet another ability that causes me grief, along with other people’s pain as well as my own. When I decided to quit wearing symbols, crystals, and spirals, I saw that my physical pain grounded me in my body. If my knee injury totally heals, I might be able to get away with wearing them not at all as I like maintaining a low profile when it comes to my studies of the occult, or my witchcraft practice anyway. I don’t need tools. I know intrinsic magick. It all happens inside my head.
Every ESP faculty is just one more branch of basic telepathy or what is also called Extra Sensory Perception. I was born with all my abilities turned on. Every last ability was switched on at birth but I was a baby, and had my mother as a buffer. Babies are in pain a lot from the minute they are born, but mom has to help soothe them by rocking them or holding them in general. We clairaudients just hear things in our heads. We hear thoughts, feelings, and more. We get visions. I hate visions. I hate the entire thing in general. If I could take a pill or a shot to shut it off I would. At least temporarily when I have to deal with a crowd? I stay home a lot where I have shields. Being in a crowd just plain exhausts me.
Sanders writes in You Are Psychic, that psychic hearing is above the ears. Not at ear level. Well, for me it comes in through both. Or maybe I’m confusing myself to death. My abilities stress me the fuck out. I get stressed. I need my medication to be able to cope with that stress. The psychic community simply has to quit giving me shit about that. The temporal lobe is above your ear. Gods, I feel bad I’m that gifted. Like Clark Kent, I can hear through walls, but then again my paranoia gets the better of me and I start imagining what is actually being said. I have a way too paranoid, hypervigilant imagination from my CTPSD. Psychic hearing gives you intense verbal impressions. Yes, this is another thing that makes me anxious. My own power burns me. It aches to have it. My own pain and other people’s pain at the same time could cause me to black out or overload and then black out. I have only passed out at least twice in my life, once in Chile (from the shit from the powers that be), and once at Target because I was in the 300s and then 181. So yes, if I don’t get proper training soon, I see more fainting spells ahead, particularly when I go seek my sister’s birth certificates.
On 9/11 I had a dream about the towers burning and then I see the same thing on the news, wondering how the hell I had a premonition before it actually happened. I had just started on medication in 2000. So by 2001, I had to figure out what a good night’s sleep felt like since I was starting to know by 2000 when I was taking Zyprexa. I had woken up feeling pretty good that day. The pain 9/11 caused was definitely feeling like a disturbance in the force.
When I sense somebody is conflictive before I meet them-I have learned that not listening to my intuition can be costly. When I was going to a guard card class, in 90- degree weather in the morning, I should have obeyed my instinct to postpone the entire ordeal. The man who taught the class seemed pretty bipolar to me. He let a guy in despite how late he had been. I saw favoritism. Then I read up on the company and realized just how bad the situation was because of the number of bad reviews on Glassdoor.com. So next time I get a bad feeling, a disturbance in the Force style feeling I’m going to listen to that since the facts will come back to me later.
In order to communicate with specific populations that do not necessarily go for mental health treatment, I’m going to have to learn these languages. Some are too ashamed of having a mental health problem or disability of any kind. It is somewhat a cultural thing that brings shame on the family in their minds. I want to learn Chinese just to better be able to help people who want it. I already speak decent Spanish from high school Spanish classes, even not on medication. Gods, high school was painful enough not being on medication at all.
Mandarin speakers abound in the Bay Area due to recent immigration situations that have cropped up in the last twenty years. I had a Chinese psychiatrist who spoke great English. Even mental health professionals get stigmatized just for helping people with bipolar or schizoaffective to begin with. The thing is, even psychologists have to deal with people who do not feel psychology is a valid science that works with human behavior. Psychology is normal, and autism doesn’t come from vaccines, it comes from genetics. It runs in families just as schizoaffective disorder can. Not taking medication for mental illness makes you a burden to others unless you can keep up the peppy, positive attitude front without anybody guessing how terrible you feel underneath.
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Intimidation is really easy to practice. A homeless bum demanded I buy her a cup of coffee. I must look nice to some people. She started hitting the board with the bus times on it, then threatened me when I took out my insulin pump. So I said that if you are threatening to hit me, do you want me to hit you back? She started trembling and escaped to the 22 stop as I was forced to take the 522, both of which are caught in downtown San Jose. The bum was asking me “Do I have aids?” Out with my insulin pump, and the last thing she wanted was to be hit by somebody smaller than she was.
Intimidating somebody else can be done using silence. I had somebody else try to barge in on me while I was in the bathroom at a Salvadorian restaurant in downtown San Jose. She stared at me while holding open the door. She was staring at my insulin pump. I looked at the toilet paper dispenser, but didn’t make eye contact with her, while covering up offensive anything with the toilet paper. Why she did that is beyond me. But some people find they are filled with jealous rage around me. This is bizarre to me since I don’t feel like I’m that attractive anyway. Why the hell should I care?
Alcohol gets me drunk rather quickly. A type 1 diabetic shouldn’t touch alcohol at all let alone sugar as alcohol is really fermented sugar. I have a sugar limit on myFitnessPal. I am warned if I exceed that sugar limit, so I make another choice based on that sugar limit. I do the occasional candy, or apple pie, or apple strudel. I’m just a junkie. I have, however, stuck with the no-sugar routine I’m in right now because I want to get my blood sugar average to 135, to maintain a non-diabetic average.
I’m working really hard here, so I cut out sugar. I freak out walking past alcohol aisles at the store. I get panic attacks at Bev and Mo. I’m always paranoid about relapsing. I’m not actually drinking right now but I’m pretty much done drinking as far as the rest of my life is concerned. You see, alchy kind of runs in my family. I can see it in several branches, but not in my Chilean cousins’ genome. It is pretty virulent with my Spanish family. I could say who, but I’m going to keep that one to myself. Alcohol makes me nauseated to smell.
To drink it again would make me sick. I once accidentally had bourbon chicken at the mall, I walked back feeling odd, tired, and like I needed to sleep a lot. I had two hot chocolates this morning to keep up with my Textbroker writing. I managed to get to the goal I had set. It was difficult but not impossible. I got to $150. Thank God. But yes, alcohol would set back all the progress I have made. Beer is a carbohydrate. I used to be able to down two Guinness with food back when I lived in San Francisco in 2006. I have since given up on drinking altogether because Abilify doesn’t mix well with booze or so I found out the hard way.
We mentally ill folks self-medicate with booze because we feel ill and have no idea how else to deal with it. Until you get on proper medication that is, like I did in 2012. I managed to get myself on great meds. So in which case, my alcoholism has been stable for 9 years, of sobriety. No drinking.
iriavp 