A bully is the one with the problem, not you, such as certain climates of bullying at certain mental health clinics out here in San Jose. Bullies love to throw people off balance. They enjoy making people miserable. They rely on the surprise factor when they use verbal aggression. Some people like putting other people under fire or on the defense. They like making people squirm you see, so you have to make people squirm back. Squirming is easy to do to a bully since they want to intimidate you. Like the guy, I made to tremble in fear.
I can intimidate many people into shaking. One good night’s sleep and I’m ready to throw intimidation around. I find ways of staying grounded in my power. Many cannot cope with this. Even if I’m silent, that is another way of intimidating other people. Shaming them effectively means that you stay silent because you are busy trying to get them to see that they are in the wrong. Silence worked on a bully in CW 550 because she was busy trying to get a response while saying “She is such a retard, she’s a total retard.” I sat there, disciplining my energy, staying silent and looking at her. Eventually, she shut up, and I thought she might have been shamed.
Bullies need to be shamed. This is the only way to get at them since they are busy shaming you. They want you to feel bad about yourself. They want you to be miserable. So they try to intimidate you by saying mean shit about you. I have learned too much to take the abuse so I’m busy making myself unlearn it. The last time I gave somebody shit it was a Target cashier by making her not use the word “retard strength” to describe herself, or for that matter, me.
I went on the warpath with her by asking her what the fuck she was doing. I told her not to speak like that to me and what was it about me that made her react that way. It was good to know from a friend of mine who died in April of last year that I did great giving her shit. I intimidated her back so successfully that she backed down. When shaming a bully, it helps to have an audience as per the security person I intimidated at that conference. Remember to shame the bullies in your life, because they already feel it for being rude.
Intimidation is not about size. It is hardly reflective of size. I’m a tiny 4’10 person but I am about to tell you of how I made a chronic hugger for lewd purposes shudder. While at a certain pagan conference, I was waiting in line for food, he was passing me with a female security person. I was glancing at my “No Touchy” badge in a pointed and pouting manner. He walked past, saw me, and started shaking. I rarely get that reaction from a Ferengi.
The hugger was chased off by a table full of women laughing at the mere subtlety of bringing him down. They were chuckling. They got a good chuckle over this. I don’t even know if the coworker caught on or not but it was hilarious. He shook like a leaf. Trembling at my power, since he had tried to hug me when I said no. I escaped his need to hug me actually. I only hope my intimidation tactic spread the word of this guy throughout the pagan community. No more hugging this guy. Don’t fall prey to his intimidation since I managed to intimidate him back as I usually do. Saying no is the first step to counter-intimidation. Telling somebody you will not allow yourself to be mistreated is the first step. Then backing away from their attempts to mistreat you.
Followed by another solid no. No means no. No means solid no. Making this guy tremble was great pay back. His job could be on the line. I may just go to report him for this behavior. The new people may not be as savvy as I am because I’ve been around. The new people need to be up on his kind as much as the next person. Taking him down was quite fun. Some would say there is no way someone tiny like me can intimidate people. But hell, my lack of presence can be intimidating if I step out of my families’ nutcase milieu. Me not being there, that says a lot.
Panda Survey I was in Berkeley waiting for an ex-friend of mine who lived on the Berkeley/El Cerrito border. I had to dump this person for driving me crazy with her on-again, off-again hookups with her now-husband but this piece is not about her, it is about the bum. I was walking to the shopping center near her house. I happened across a bum, who was black, and he asked me for change, but I said no, he accepted it, moving on. The other bum, however, the white bum, was asking me for money over and over again even if I had already told him no. He was standing in front of the Starbucks in that region.
I said that even if I became a billionaire, I wouldn’t give him money because well, in my mind, there are resources for bums out there. I had a passerby intervene while a cop was across the street watching the interaction. The bum kept begging, I kept telling him no. My knee injury was still severe in those days. A passerby intervened by telling the bum that I said no to giving him change. The passerby stood, watching the bum as he kicked my chair. The chair rocked to the left, but I seated myself to the right while scooting over. The passerby remarked on my injury even as I had a solution to the problem.
The chair righted itself. The bum freaked out, flipped me off, I flipped him off back and made him scared enough to run away. The passerby saw that I was safe, and left. The cop even left when he realized I was handling the situation on my own. My thigh hurt but then I walked back to the person’s house after reporting the bum to the barista, telling him to call 911 on the bum next time he was around since he had tried to kick my chair. Now that was a day I shouldn’t have bothered to take a trip to the North Bay like that because my knee was in severe pain still. Why I did that is beyond me but well, I have since decided my boundaries matter, and like hell, I’m going to allow people to push me around like that, like the ex-friend or the bum. This is why standing up for yourself is important, not doing nothing.
If I ever get to go to school, I will have to work and go to school but these days work from home jobs are trendy, so I can do work from home jobs and go to school. I mean if my knee gets better I can do outside of the house jobs. I’m interested in manual labor stuff and food service. But of course, when my knee gets better. I mean I will be able to pay for a therapist Ph.D. therapist anyway when I go back to school. It stands to reason that when I finish my undergrad improvements/my A.A.s in psychology and business, I’m going to be able to get myself to rehab.
Before law school, so I’m not driven back to alcohol and caffeine, I’m going to go to go to rehab. I need extensive mental health treatment that I’m simply not getting right now. This is why I’m linking this blog to my GoFundMe https://www.gofundme.com/7uhpzvyc&rcid=r01-153107827894-d7877f51419d41bf&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w. I need to find short-term therapy solutions. I pretty much only have my meds as treatment, I have no social worker and my insurance is looking into therapy for me though, so in which case, it is not that bad. I use self-help books, for the most part.
It is my only resource aside from a handful of peer counselors. This is why I hope this blog makes $100-$500 at the end of this month. This means updating my blogs like crazy. And I mean like crazy because I have to update every few hours at the most. I can also apply at work from home jobs. I just want a good fit where I can work my own hours. I mean this is why I take looking for a job very seriously. I’ve hit up Indeed.com very often. Knee or no knee problem, can I please at least get a work from home job?
Rehab is in my future, but not right now. I may have to do an outpatient thing when I enroll at De Anza. They also have a counseling center I may have to use. I mean I can’t find cheap therapy, and some people use spiritual counselors for therapists because they don’t like mental health professionals. I’m eager to do rehab when I have the money for it but for now, I do not have the money for it.
Here’s why I don’t hang out with drinkers anymore: I’m an alcoholic who has been sober for like 8 to 9 years now. I do not want to fall prey to temptation. So I’m just plain ditching my family because I do not want to be around drinkers, period, I also left the X for this reason because his Cylons can’t control themselves with saying mean things about other people. In which case, I have to stay away from mean people in general, in particular, those who have nothing but mean things to say about others.
Yes, some people are like this. It happens. They have no idea how rude they can be, the bottom-line is I have to stay away from negative influences. I also have to stay away from caffeine addicts. Going out for coffee for me can become going out for pastry. Pastry is all I can have. My health is more important to me than going near the “kryptonite”. The liquor section of the supermarket makes me twitchy. I feel almost physical pain. This is why I can’t even walk down the aisle since I feel odd.
Frankly, being around drinking bothers me. It is why I’m no longer hanging out with my own family, much less the X’s. I refuse to hang out with alcoholics ever again, period. I’m sticking with the dry folk. Sober people are more fun anyway, and I really do want a dry wedding. If my future boyfriend, whomever that can be, cannot handle that, well, then it is their problem, and I reserve the right to dump this person. I have to avoid heavy drinkers.
I prefer to deal with individuals sober. I need to stay sober since alcohol makes for controlling my abilities but then again, I go out of control while drinking with a high alcohol tolerance. My deities have seen my hard work pay off. I’m committed to staying sober. Nobody can push me around. I gave up alcohol, forever. I refuse to start again, that is sabotaging my health. I will not be drinking a drop of alcohol since I’ve decided to sober up. I want to refuse to be around people who drink. Keep the alcohol outside in the condo. I do not want to hang out with drinkers, period.
There is a certain class of person out there that will not stop bullying no matter how many boundaries are set. I had roommates like this. Yes, they enjoyed their aggression. Being mistreated where I lived at school just brought up a ton of childhood feelings. Constant drama aggravated my C-PTSD. I wonder who actually gave my bullies shit for being bullies? How many people spoke out because my bullies were also all on the narcissism spectrum. It was a nightmare since one threatened to cut my tubing at night.
They were all jealous of me in addition, jealous of my good-heart. They had rabid jealousy problems. I tried to keep my disability a secret but my acne definitely got worse from the high cortisol I generate when I’m very stressed. There is a certain type of boil-causing virus that can be infectious to other people. They wanted to destroy my health on top of that, offering me cake once, which I took and I should have taken more insulin for. These days I’m willing to experiment with sugar-free cake and lactose-free baking. I’m also trying the less carbohydrate diet.
My goodness, the roommates were inconsiderate of my mental health and my needs. Every time they got mad at me, they made their beds. I’m sure many people were appalled. I can find a bully in 0-60. I knew this immediately when I met them all. We couldn’t stand each other or group meetings/having to talk to each other in general. The school had a bully in the office that wouldn’t let me move. I felt like some of my roommates were going to get homicidal. I saw my roommate after I moved. She was paranoid about people being racist toward her. All my roommates, however, were unhappy with themselves, because all of them were paranoid. My immediate roommate was a drug addict. The school didn’t do enough to address their behavior. I had transferred to my college at 24. The thing is, that was the only way my parents could cope with me being gone would be if I took way too long to graduate and because of my alcoholism, my untreated or improperly treated schizophrenia. Yes, college sucked and then I moved out to another house where people were actually studying because I lived with a graduate student in those days, which was much against the rules. But then so was extreme bullying behavior.
Name-calling is a violent blood sport for some people who enjoy bullying. My roommates were bullies. They all liked it because they were trying to get me to drop out. My second semester of my first year at San Francisco State, I was allowed to move. This could almost have been a lawsuit against my school but they did give me a scholarship for my last two years. They picked on me constantly, and as the semester wore on, it got worse. I’d rant to my introduction to creative writing class.
Now I look back and I realize, the entire school tried to protect me from their evil shit. I had a bad premonitory state all through the summer before school started. I met my roommates after taking the light rail and achieving expert psychic shields on a crowded light rail. I had switched rooms with one student who decided she couldn’t live with me. Right then, I knew that she would lie a lot about many things, including her age. My own roommate thought hate speech in the form of calling me a retard was funny. She didn’t perceive her narcissistic self as funny.
After a debilitating psychic attack by a roommate in which she repeated the words, retard, and retarded, I practically heard the word “retard” being shoved into my brain as a negative thoughtform, I ended the attack by calling her an idiot and getting up. After a pendulum reading in 2005, it was stated by the pendulum, I had not done anything wrong. My own roommate felt that the house didn’t get along as a unit. The pesky school wouldn’t let me move, however.
This was rather twisted of the bully in the housing department. I need my own income to move to UCLA and live in the dorms there. Seriously, my roommates were all untreated mentally ill people or drug addicts like my immediate roommate. At one point during the mess, I let them pick fights with me as much as possible so I could talk about it to others in my classes. I also hit my roommate in the butt one night while I was drunk because I had spiraled into alcoholism my parents didn’t know about. Before I go back to school for higher education, I’m going to get myself into rehab. I mean it because school may plunge me back into addictions.
I had wanted to get out of my living situation and had no hope about it until my classmate stepped in and said there was room in her place. I looked around quite a bit for a new roommate situation where I wouldn’t get picked on every 5 minutes or be forced to do all household chores. Calling somebody a retard is classed as hate speech. The school had a non-discrimination policy but I felt like I had to escape that violent, toxic environment with a drug addict for goodness sake, because I thought they were going to try to kill me, just like people I’m related to with a similar bullying agenda. I’m going on vacation to get away from it over Thanksgiving.
Okay, so here’s a word for the wise. I cannot be around untreated people. Hence why I’m going on vacation in November when they show up. As in, I make money: I go on vacation, because I submitted a personal essay to a company. Yes, I’m aware that to get the financial flow going, I have to let go of resentment completely. Untreated people have to stay away from me. I just realized how anxious I get around them only in the last two years I’ve been living by myself. This is why I’m going on a nice, big, fat, vacation to wherever when they show up.
The fact of the matter is that untreated people piss me off. They just do. I mean I’m livid around people with symptoms because they just act like it doesn’t exist or fake being normal, show a symptom, and then shut up if they are doing such outlandish things such as screaming at something they haven no business screaming about, and then the second you realize that somebody has something and the least they could do is take meds, they ditch you. That’s most frenemy as well as unbecoming.
I have to dump or have myself dumped by untreated people because well, they have symptoms. If I’m around them, I absorb it kind of like being able to absorb kryptonite. Their pain becomes my pain. I can’t get rid of it easily. I have way too much sympathy, but I find it impossible to harden my heart. Don’t expect me to talk to you if you are unstable, don’t take medication, don’t screw up your meds, and in general, are a huge fuck-up. Frenemies be gone from my Facebook page. You do not deserve to be there if you are giving me shit about using Western medicine. Nobody wants to be around a manic person with my level of skill, thank you very much because somebody might get hurt as a result of my power. That’s dangerous. If you are untreated, stay away from me.
You see. I was not removed from toxic environments as a child. Some environments were more toxic than others. Nobody helps me anyway. I’m on my own in more ways than one since I live by myself. Elementary school started to get toxic in 4th grade when the teacher would punish us with homework. As in, anybody acted out or misbehaved, she’d give us homework. I recently heard she died but well, she did give us way too much homework in the past. Some people couldn’t handle it if I recall but my family forced me to do my homework despite my type-1 diabetes symptoms.
I got through 4th grade somehow. Then in 5th grade, we got my dog that was a really adorable sweetheart. Gee, I wish I had more pictures. Puberty made me anxious but I wasn’t on pediatric schizophrenia medication at all even if they kept saying I should be on some. But then again nobody listened to this sound advice. If the situation had been up to me, as many families are not as authoritarian, I would have removed myself from that toxic environment. I wish time travel could fix my life. I’d be in law school earlier than now and not an alcoholic from 2002-2010. That was a costly 8 years. Public school was such a relief though because I wasn’t as picked on. Although the bullies kept coming because I was singled out for having an untreated mental illness but at least now I’m stable, and can continue with my life path uninterrupted. Hence why I’m updating my blog a lot because I want to be able to make $500 off this blog if that is even possible. In high school, I wasn’t allowed to try public school. I had to go to the high school they chose.
In college, I walked out on hostile people or gave them shit back. I managed to control my hostile environments by removing myself from my first living situation. One roommate could have hurt me. She was probably an untreated mentally ill person. She deliberately picked fights with me until the end. I was only allowed to move my second semester. I did go through half a semester without meds but then again I didn’t have a proper mental health diagnosis until I found SSI, a decent psychiatrist who was a mental illness believer compared to the unbeliever I was seeing, and finally, I managed to get a diagnosis in 2012, when I was 30.
I spent 30 years without a diagnosis. But then again I finally got one. These days I remove myself from a hostile environment or give somebody hostile shit back. I’m able to say my life is now free of toxic influences since I dump people who are hostile, toxic, or weird. I dump them and I don’t look back. That is the last time, you will do this to me, is what I say to all of them. Anybody who wants to bring me down, well we’re done.
iriavp 